Project SLARTIFICUS

[Randomizer]

Originally Posted By: Lilith

why do all conspiracy theory websites look exactly the same

It's a conspiracy *sarcasm*

They all use the same website building site since they are all from the same person.

[The Mystic]

Originally Posted By: Triumph

EriSlarty, god of strife, posted a golden apple of discord in the midst of the forum, saying "to the fairest."

The Mystic reached it first, but, untrue to his pack rat nature, did not pick it up. Instead, he posted an FYT on the apple, so the message became "to the fairies."

Originally Posted By: Lilith

why do all conspiracy theory websites look exactly the same

I can't say for certain, but it's been my experience that all conspiracy theories are the same, so, naturally, their websites would therefore follow the same template.

Originally Posted By: Lilith

anyway i'm seeing a new therapist today so we'll see how that goes

I saw a therapist once. Not professionally, though; we dated a few times. It didn't go well for me, as each time we went out, it cost me $100 an hour.

[Swimmin' Salmon]

Originally Posted By: CRISIS on INFINITE SLARTIES

Even if you consider it spam, and you're welcome to I suppose, it remains spam that was deliberately and painstakingly constructed. Deliberately and painstakingly constructed spam is rare here, but it *doesn't* often get locked, because it's interesting even if it's confusing as well. Some of Scorpius's threads from the past few years are good examples of this. The best is probably the one that asked girls if they would rather lay eggs.

I've a bridge to sell you.

[Slawbug]

I think you picked the wrong apple of discord to typo-fix into a poorly thought out slur, packratdude.

[Swimmin' Salmon]

Never mind, you were criticizing another member besides myself.

[Dikiyoba]

Right, this thread has crossed the line. To everyone: if you think someone's behavior is annoying, it's acceptable to point it out. It is not acceptable to be nasty about it. For now, this topic is locked.

 

Dikiyoba.

[Slawbug]

SECOND OF THE CAPITAL POSTS / SECOND OF THE MARQUÉES NOIRES:

It has been YEARS THREESE since the MIGHTY DEATHMATCH of SPIDERWEBBERS did begin. Now it shall be finished.

 

RETRIOACTIVITY ONE commence!

 

 

OFFICIAL RULING -- DEATHMATCH ROUNDS 5 AND 6

 

5.1. Alorael vs. Nicothodes

 

Alorael has ranged attacks. Nicothodes does not. Alorael is a cold, calculating min-maxing Angband player who is not going to fall prey to Nicothodes' fatal cutness the way NetHack players fall prey to the charms of nymphs. Alorael's skribbane diet renders him pretty uninterested in Nicothodes' cookies. His name-changing will make it quite hard for Nicothodes to use her conlangs against him, too. Bang, and the world just got uglier. Alorael wins.

 

 

5.2. Ephesos vs. Stareye

 

So, let's look at the big picture here and take everything into consideration. For their elements Stareye has Radon and Ephesos has Copper. Radon is a big health hazard which has been proven to cause cancer. Unfortunately for Stareye, causing Ephesos to die many years from now is not going to help him. Copper by itself doesn't pose a health hazard, but after a few minutes in the fires of Divine Retribution it could be made into any number of nice weapons. Unfortunately for Ephesos, there's no time for that.

 

Likewise, their actor counterparts aren't going to give either much of an advantage. Sure Daniel Craig could bring the gadgets and agility of James Bond with him, but LeVar has experience making fancy gadgets as Geordi in Star Trek. He probably knows more than enough to keep Daniel at bay if not stumped.

 

Glower power and alchemy are easy to cross off, once again. The question is whether glower power also somehow blocks the rest of Ephesos's "flower power" aka his druid powers and environmentalism. Not likely, considering that flowers are only a small part of the natural world.

 

The Sword of Damocles will not help in this match since Ephesos' clover boots give him enough luck to avoid ending up under it. The antimatter machine is more of a defensive machine than anything else and in this match there is nothing for it to defend against except maybe crickets. But I think it's unlikely our fighters would bring either of these into play.

 

Both have scripting abilities with Stareye's scripting hallmark as special spells, while Ephesos's design hallmark is terrain and the environment. This gives Stareye more offensive capabilities and Ephesos traps and perhaps distraction techniques. Ephesos also has his priestly spells to counter Stareye's scripts but both of them will be using their energy pretty quickly at this point. If Stareye can just outlast Ephesos, he still has his boot to smash his skull in with... but does he have enough of an edge to outlast him? These fighters are very evenly matched.

 

Jewels and I deliberated over the final outcome of this match for almost a year -- sadly, this is a true fact. But it's time to break the stalemate.

 

DEATHMATCH IS BREAKING OUT

ALL YOUR RULE ARE BELONG TO US

GOODBYE ANALYSIS THEORETIC, HELLO NURSE

Ephesos and Stareye continued to grind away at each other with slings and arrows for quite some time. Jewels turned to Slarty and exhorted him to act, but he refused, and the two began to argue as well. While they were all distracted, a pale, astral figure crept into the arena and began to gesticulate. Suddenly, a tremendous and blinding explosion of shadows engulfed the fighting area. When the shadows cleared, Ephesos and Stareye both lay unconscious on the ground. The astral figure stood between them, his hands raised in victory, one of them grasping a slith spear.

 

"I am Emperor Tullegolar," he proclaimed, "and I claim victory in this Deathmatch!"

 

"How did he do that?" asked Jewels.

 

"An alien damage type, my dear," shouted up ET, "shadow damage. Your precious officers are defenseless against it!"

 

"Imban!" screeched Slarty. "Become him and remove him."

 

But Imban shook his head. "I can't, Slarty. He's not using an account. That's just an astral proxy."

 

"Fine. Icshi will change what happened retroactively. Icshi--" But when Slarty turned to Icshi, he saw that Icshi, too, had collapsed on the floor. He had turned an awful shade of yellow, and his hair was falling out in clumps.

 

"I'm dying," Icshi said. He turned to look at the arena, and with his dying breath, choked out a warning. "Retrio... activity... is in... the... air... for... U... B... B..." Then he vanished.

 

Slarty sighed. "I guess I'll have to take care of this myself!" He stood up and began to walk down to the arena floor, but was stopped suddenly when Alorael stepped out from one of the rows and pushed the butt of his rifle into Slarty's chest.

 

"This is my battle, not yours, Slarty. You need to stop breaking the rules."

 

"You wouldn't shoot me, Alorael. Besides -- Sticks to Steaks!" And before Alorael could react, his rifle turned into an especially tasty-looking steak, which fell to the floor. "Moove Slowly," he continued, then pushed Alorael out of the way and continued on down to the arena floor.

 

"I knew you would come, Slarty! You've been trying to destroy me for years." Emperor Tullegolar cackled. "But now it's my turn. You can't touch my astral form."

 

"Blah, blah, blah. We've heard it all before. Well, here's something you haven't heard before. Emperor Tullegolar's astral proxy -- meet Slartucker's astral oxy! Hamsubstantiate Self!"

 

There was another great flash of shadow, and Slarty's form began to transform. He began to fade and stretch out in multiple dimensions, and his outline glimmered and shifted, and he began to resemble a man less and less. When his shape stopped shifting, he had become the outline of quite a hideous creature -- a giant with fifty heads and a hundred arms, each of which bore a sock puppet of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow. A hecatombchire!

 

"It's like a patronus!" Jewels exclaimed helpfully. "Except, um, not really."

 

Slarty's fifty heads roared, Emperor Tullegolar uttered a war cry, and the two astral forms charged at each other. Each of the heads on each of Slarty's hands moved in to facepalm Tullegolar, nine-hundred facepalms in all; but Tullegolar began to shape, and swiftly, one after another, a massive herd of ornks charged into Slarty. The sock puppets and ornks met in a confusion of cattle, and a minute later they were joined by Slarty's own Simuleacrums. Tullegolar thrust his slith spear into Slarty, again and again, while Udder Destruction rained down on him. Tullegolar planted his flag in Slarty and Slarty dropped his desk on Tullegolar. Political cartoons and pages from Encyclopedia Ermariana flew back and forth in the melee. At one point both of them stopped fighting and began drawing complicated charts that would lead in some esoteric way to victory.

 

At last Slarty opened his fifty mouths and bellowed, "BOVINE THUD!" For a moment nothing happened, and Tullegolar used the time to slice through Slarty's form several times with his spear. Then there was a great rumbling, and it seemed as if the stars themselves began to shake. A shadow loomed over the arena, growing larger and larger by the second, until the spectators could see, above them, a cow far larger than they had ever imagined possible. The cow was, in fact, larger than the arena, and it plummeted towards the ground face-first. The spectators only had a few seconds to scream before everybody present was facepalmed into the ground.

 

There were no survivors. The very last to perish was Jewels. She managed to free her head from under a fold of fat and survey the wreckage as she died. It was a pity that nobody was around to hear her faint last words: "Deathmatch has no save and restore."

[Hypnotic]

I like it. Stareye and Ehpesos end up in a tie because Slarty and ET fight. So does this make Alorael the winner?

[Student of Trinity]

It seems to have been pretty much a total party wipe. But, you know, being crushed under a giant cosmic cow is arguably a better end than dying of old age. Which is the fate that seemed to be in store for the death match characters until now. So except possibly for Icshi, retrioactivity seems to be benign.

[Ephesos]

Cows fall, everyone dies.

[Slawbug]

Heh, nice, didn't even think of that.

[Swimmin' Salmon]

Huh. Still makes me uncomfortable to have banned members discussed, and even personified, as there is no equitable way for them to represent.

 

On the other hand, at least it is over.

[Randomizer]

Originally Posted By: Ephesos

Cows fall, everyone dies.

Except Lazarus comes back the next day.

Please no more deathmatches. It takes too long to reach the end.

[Dintiradan]

Originally Posted By: Randomizer

Except Lazarus comes back the next day.

Doesn't stop the fact that he's crushed by the body of a giant cow. He'll end up like Jack Harkness -- regenerate, get crushed/suffocated/starve to death, rinse, lather, and repeat.

Immortality sucks.

[Velzan]

You Make immortality sound like a limbo.

[Student of Trinity]

How low can you go?

 

(This counts as a cow pun.)

[Unplayable Playable Character]

I've always wondered what a Facepalming Hecatombchire was... now I know.

[Monroe]

For good measure, it's probably best that you disregard anything you might 'learn' on this site. It will be for the best, I promise.

[Dikiyoba]

Originally Posted By: Figment

I've always wondered what a Facepalming Hecatombchire was

That's quite impressive, considering that today is probably is probably the first day you've heard of of one. You've probably heard of a Facepalming Hecatonchire before, though.

Dikiyoba.

[The Mystic]

Originally Posted By: Randomizer

Please no more deathmatches.

Though if there is another one, I might decide to participate, just for fun.

[Triumph]

Originally Posted By: The Mystic

Though if there is another one...

Noooooooooooooo! Don't unleash another one!

[nikki.]

Originally Posted By: The Mystic

Originally Posted By: Randomizer

Please no more deathmatches.

Though if there is another one, I might decide to participate, just for fun.

Nobody decided, He and She forced us to fight for the amusement of all.

[The Mystic]

Originally Posted By: Triumph

Originally Posted By: The Mystic

Though if there is another one...

Noooooooooooooo! Don't unleash another one!

I'm not calling for another one; that's why I said "if," not "when."

[Student of Trinity]

Quote:

Deathmatch, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;
For those whom thou thinkst thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Deathmatch, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow
And soonest our best men with thee do go
Rest of their bones and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, cows, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppies or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke. Why swellst thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And deathmatch shall be no more; Deathmatch, thou shalt die!

[Slawbug]

The Nine-Headed Cave Cow smiles upon thee, Shatter. But do note that participants were given the chance to opt out.

 

Also, mwahahahaha. You guys had best watch out for RETRIOACTIVITY TWO.

[Locmaar]

Originally Posted By: Rowen

Originally Posted By: Monroe

But Jacob is dead.

Doesn't stop him for giving direction to the others through Hurley. Death is just a communication barrier, not much else.

Evidently, it's not even that. Plus it grants you Build Lighthouse +5

[inni]

Originally Posted By: CRISIS on INFINITE SLARTIES

Also, mwahahahaha. You guys had best watch out for RETRIOACTIVITY TWO.

yay
now i know what it is this doesn't seem like spam after all.

how do you know what powers people have?

is it decided when you pick them or is it from previous posts?

[Dikiyoba]

Originally Posted By: No Intro

how do you know what powers people have?

is it decided when you pick them or is it from previous posts?

Spiderweb lore. Powers build up over time based on previous projects, people's personalities and interests, and gimmicks. Jewels has just about all the information on the Deathmatch here.

Dikiyoba.

[Student of Trinity]

Think of postcount as XP.

[Balladeer]

*aprooooves*

 

Don't know exactly how the table will be updated with this info but I'm sure I'll think of something.

 

Also: Torchwood... *shudders*

[inni]

Originally Posted By: Jewels in black

Also: Torchwood... *shudders*

so will there be any more deathmatches?

[Ephesos]

Originally Posted By: I need no introduction

so will there be any more deathmatches?

Originally Posted By: The Mystic

I'm not calling for another one; that's why I said "if," not "when."

Originally Posted By: Triumph

Noooooooooooooo! Don't unleash another one!

Originally Posted By: Randomizer

Please no more deathmatches. It takes too long to reach the end.

Originally Posted By: Delicious Salmon

...at least it is over.

In short, I hope not, and I think a lot of other people would agree. We seem to be rather short on Spiderweb Lore as of late... a lot of the people from the original deathmatch don't really hang out here anymore, and not as many people have filled the gimmicky gaps.

That said, *crickets*

Originally Posted By: Monroe

For good measure, it's probably best that you disregard anything you might 'learn' on this site. It will be for the best, I promise.

(concurs)

[Slawbug]

Originally Posted By: Ephesos

We seem to be rather short on Spiderweb Lore as of late... a lot of the people from the original deathmatch vdon't really hang out here anymore, and not as many people have filled the gimmicky gaps.

This is very true. Although it began in 2007, the Deathmatch really sprang out of a short period of vibrant cultural activity here, in the first half of 2006, when tons of old gimmicky members were still around, yet when the boards were already less spammy and more thoughtful than in the real old times. Also, get off my lawn.

Originally Posted By: Student of Trinity

Think of postcount as XP.

This analogy works so long as different characters have dramatically different rates of advancement.

[Ephesos]

Originally Posted By: CRISIS on INFINITE SLARTIES

This analogy works so long as different characters have dramatically different rates of advancement.

Yes, well Alo loses lots of xp from skribbane withdrawal, so it all basically balances out. Also, diminishing returns, and all that.

[Nioca]

Originally Posted By: CRISIS on INFINITE SLARTIES

Originally Posted By: Ephesos

We seem to be rather short on Spiderweb Lore as of late... a lot of the people from the original deathmatch vdon't really hang out here anymore, and not as many people have filled the gimmicky gaps.

This is very true. Although it began in 2007, the Deathmatch really sprang out of a short period of vibrant cultural activity here, in the first half of 2006, when tons of old gimmicky members were still around, yet when the boards were already less spammy and more thoughtful than in the real old times. Also, get off my lawn.

Dammit, now I feel old for remembering exactly what that was like. I'd like to point out though that the second half of 2006 was probably the spammiest this board ever saw, though.

[Dantius]

Originally Posted By: Student of Trinity

Think of postcount as XP.

*cough*Mysterious Man*cough*

[Ephesos]

MM got one-shot by UBB. Had to re-roll.

[Slawbug]

The last part of 2006 was kind of spammy in the sense of people intentionally making empty posts to boost their postcount... and a contest about it to boot... but there was still less to wade through than in the olden days.

 

This reminds me, you guys are REALLY going to love RETRIOACTIVITY FIVAL.

[Swimmin' Salmon]

Back in my day we had to re-use old posts. None of this fancy double posting, or starting new threads to discuss new topics. All we needed was a new thought and the Edit button. It was good enough then, and it's good enough now.

[nikki.]

Originally Posted By: CRISIS on INFINITE SLARTIES

people intentionally making empty posts to boost their postcount... and a contest about it to boot...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

[Alorael at Large]

It was back when men were real men, women were real women, and Aran really did excessively analyze and archive every tick and tock of Spiderweb's daily workings.

 

—Alorael, who is amazed by both the number of deathmatch participants who are still around and by the number who are long gone. At the same time. His brain is flexible that way.

[Nioca]

Originally Posted By: Delicious Salmon

Back in my day we had to re-use old posts. None of this fancy double posting, or starting new threads to discuss new topics. All we needed was a new thought and the Edit button. It was good enough then, and it's good enough now.

Bah. Back in my day, we didn't even have the internet. When we wanted to talk to random strangers, we had to dial the phone! And we had actual living telemarketers, too!

-Nioca, who is feeling rather old at the moment. He has decided to steal Alorael's signature to make himself feel better.

[Unplayable Playable Character]

Originally Posted By: Monroe

For good measure, it's probably best that you disregard anything you might 'learn' on this site. It will be for the best, I promise.

Yeah, it's not very practical in real life, unless I happen to actually run into Slarty, and it's not like he goes around yelling "Facepalming Hecatombchire" to everyone he meets.

Originally Posted By: Dikiyoba

That's quite impressive, considering that today is probably is probably the first day you've heard of of one. You've probably heard of a Facepalming Hecatonchire before, though.

Actually Slarty has Facepalming Hecatombchire written above his avatar, and I'm pretty sure it was there when I joined this site.

Also, I have no idea what a Hecatonchire is, care to clarify?

[Dantius]

Originally Posted By: Shatter

Originally Posted By: CRISIS on INFINITE SLARTIES

people intentionally making empty posts to boost their postcount... and a contest about it to boot...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Sounds like just the best of times to me...

[Randomizer]

Originally Posted By: Dantius

Originally Posted By: Shatter

Originally Posted By: CRISIS on INFINITE SLARTIES

people intentionally making empty posts to boost their postcount... and a contest about it to boot...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Sounds like just the best of times to me...

Not if you actually read them. *shudder*

[Nioca]

Meh, it wasn't about actually reading, it was the feeling of comradery that came with spamming the bleep out of the forums.

[Ephesos]

...camaraderie.

 

And yes. I wish we'd been doing Witch Hunt and AIMhack and such back then...

[Nioca]

Quote:

Comradery is a word, dang it!

Originally Posted By: Ephesos

...camaraderie.

Actually, both are correct. Comradery is an Americanized spelling variant of camaraderie.

[VCH]

I'm surprised anyone remembers anything about what happened here years ago.

[Slawbug]

Slaty: After 400 years of

   experience, I have come to think that

   Salmaran may not be responsible for the

   Spam.
 

Tulge: What do you mean?
 

Slaty: I have come to think that

   someone, or something wanted us to

   see all this.
 

   The different events over time, that

   we have witnessed.

   It is almost as if some entity wanted

   to relive its past.
 

Lilit: Lilit know!

   When people die, elders say, see

   whole life pass by!
 

SoS: 'Tis true that mortals do

   relive their most profound memories

   before death claimeth them.
 

   Yet those memories most often are

   sad ones.
 

Slaty: Thinking things like, "If only

   I had done this," or, "I shouldn't

   have done that..." triggers

   unpleasant, old memories.
 

Tulge: Will that happen when our

   time comes?
 

Tyro: Probably...who knows?
 

Tulge: Is there a point in time you'd

   want to return to, Tyro?
 

Tyro: No...not really...
 

Tulge: I'm sorry, was that

   something I shouldn't have asked?
 

Tyro: It's ok, it's just something I

   don't like to think about too much.
 

SoS: Salmaran playeth an integral

   role in the fortunes of this Entity...
 

Terro: ...so who is this Entity?
 

Slaty: It is unknown, whose

   memories these are. It may be

   something beyond our

   comprehension.
 

   Our journey may come to an end

   when we finally discover the identity

   of the Retrioentitity.

   ... ...shall we turn into the night?