random venting

[keira]

I just got finished with A giant argument with my mother and I need somewhere to vent. Sorry for dumping this here. 

 

So I came home from a fairly nice day at school today and she starts yelling at me as soon as I get in the door. She tells me to take my shoes off outside before coming in. I'm already in when she says this, so I go to step outside and take my shoes off. This was a bad idea. She screams at me. I politely ask that she moderate her tone (i was already inside when you said that, yelling is not necessary) and apparently this is backtalking. Maybe it was, but I'm sick and tired of being stepped on by her. Anyway, I leave to go lock up the horses so they can eat. This takes about five minutes. I come back in (taking my shoes of outside) and she gives me a giant screamfest about how I'm rude and ungrateful. At this point I snapped. It turned into a giant argument. I tried to politely civilly say what I was gonna say and she talked over me. I again tried to say what I was going to say and she yells at me. I yell what I was trying to say and she runs off and slams her bedroom door, yelling through it that she wishes she never had a second kid. There was an awkward silence for about ten seconds and then she comes storming back into the kitchen (where this was all taking place) an this argument continues. She ignored what I was trying to say, called me an ungrateful brat, and said it was my fault the dog died (yes mom, I have control over bacterial infections). After awhile, she stormed off again. 

 

All I'm asking for is a little respect for the eight more months I'm living here. I'm moving out when I turn 18 but I don't know if I can mentally make it that long. I'm trapped in this house until then. I live six miles from nowhere and I literally have nowhere else I could be. She accuses me of being in the house too much (which I totally agree with, i'd rather be anywhere else) and then doesn't let me go anywhere. I mean, she did the exact same thing to my brother, she often says I'm as ungrateful as he was. He tried running away several times and it never worked. She says I never respect her, which I admit I don't. I stopped shortly after i realized being respectful only made her accuse me of being sarcastic and patronizing.

 

I just no longer consider this house a place where I live. Sure, I eat and sleep here, but I'm feeling constantly paranoid, and I have to fight for what shreds of privacy i do have. I've been in five relationships, and my family knows about one. Each one ended horribly because I can never see the person and/or talk about how I feel. Maybe I'm full of [censored], but I think I've been emotionally sterilized by my upbringing. I don't know. 

 

I go to school in rural Montana. In my town everyone knows everyone. When my last relationship crashed and burned, the person I was with decided to go around and tell everyone that i was bisexual (which I am, that's was why she dumped me). Somehow, im more comfortable with random classmates knowing this than my parents knowing. It's a matter of time until they find out, what with rumors in a small town, I think the only reason they haven't yet is pure luck. But if they do, I'm screwed.

 

There's been arguments like this before between me and my mother, but never to this level. I have no idea what I'm going to do, I just know if she makes me snap like this again it will not end well.

 

I started typing this so I could feel less like smashing random objects into random walls, and it has worked marginally. I'm just wondering what you guys think. I really don't know what to do right now. 

[Aoslare]

Some parents suck. Some are horrible. Sounds like yours are horrible.

 

More than a few aspects of your situation are hauntingly familiar to me from my own teenage years. There's really nothing good to say about any of those, except that things will get better once you're gone. Look forward to that.

 

Also know that if things ever get REALLY bad and you have to leave immediately... you can do that. I'm sure you know people online who would let you stay with them in an emergency. I don't know if any of them are close enough to be practical -- I'm certainly not -- but you can get surprisingly far on a greyhound. Can you make it to a bus station if you need to?

 

That wouldn't be a long-term solution to anything, but knowing that there is an escape valve might make it easier to hold out for eight months. And if you have to leave early and never come back, well, that's not the end of the world. There ARE resources for kids in that position, even if they aren't glamorous ones.

 

I'm sorry things are so hellish. I hope you make it through without any further trauma.

[Dantius]

Originally Posted By: CRISIS on INFINITE SLARTIES

I'm sure you know people online who would let you stay with them in an emergency.

Ummmm... that might be a bad idea. No, wait, let me amend that. REALLY bad idea.

[Sudanna]

The point is that it may not be the worst one.

[Aoslare]

It's not something I would normally advocate, but when home is that toxic, I wouldn't rule out legitimately needing to leave. And I know there are people here Sylae has known for years.

 

Neither option is ideal, but one is less suicidal than the other.

[jlsgaladriel]

I'm sorry, Sylae. It seems like you're keeping yourself remarkably together in a terrible situation.

 

Know that there's nothing you can do to make your mother deal with her anger/unhappiness/whatever's leading to this behavior. All you can do is take care of yourself as well as possible, and as Slarty says, think through how you might get out, if you needed to. Get yourself through school, keep yourself healthy, and try to touch base with people you trust.

 

Is there a pastor or a teacher whom you trust with whom might speak? When your mom is yelling damaging things at you, even when you *know* they're not true, it helps sometimes to have someone to help ground you in reality, someone who can see clearly.

[Øther]

Maybe you could try a seeing psycologist or something. I don't know if there are any in your area or if your even open to the idea at all, but it could be considered. When my mom was younger, her mom (my grandma) didn't exactly treat her the best. From what she had told me, I don't think it had ever gotten to the level your talking about (but if it had, she probably wouldn't have told me), but she said that she eventually got really fed up with her, and went to see a psycotherapist. She learned that her mom wasn't actually intentionally trying to hurt her, but it was just the way she deals with things. I see my grandma occasionally, and even though she seems a bit distant from the family, what happened a long time ago hasn't seemed to sour their relationship to much.

 

Also, I myself (with my family) have gone to see a psycologist. My sister is...a bit different from the rest of the family. And that would be an understatement. She and everyone else just don't seem to fit together at all. To make matters worse, my dad can get a bad temper sometimes, so before they had gone yelling at each other at the top of their voices into the middle of the night. Again, it never escalated to your level (I know this, because I was there, forced to listen to every word that blasted throughout the house), but it did get pretty bad. Even though my sister and dad still get in some bad arguments sometimes, things have gotten MUCH better since then.

 

Maybe this isn't the option for you, but it may help just to consider it.

[Student of Trinity]

Eight months is a long time, but it will pass. It's still your time to use. How well set up are you to move out on the great day? Do you have a place to move to, a way to pay the rent, a plan for the future? There's probably always something you can work on to make things better for then, and it sounds as though it will be an easier eight months if you can spend it working on the future rather than savoring the present. If you have an apartment arranged somewhere, maybe you can plan how to furnish it, or even start collecting some furnishings. If you're not that far, you can start looking for a place. Whatever; there's probably something. A big part of what sounds bad to me in your present situation is powerlessness. Well, you ultimately do have control over your life; it will just take a bit more time. You can exercise now some of your power over the future.

 

And it sounds as though your parents aren't exactly cheerful happy people forging through life at full speed. Life can be hard for anyone; unfortunately, their situation and their reactions to it may not be all that unusual. They're still always going to have been your parents. Whether you someday want to forgive them or whatever is up to you, but in any case, I'm pretty sure that at some point you're going to want to understand them, for better or for worse.

 

This is not about understanding your parents so you'll agree with them or like them or respect them; those things may not follow at all. It's about pure knowledge. Your last eight months in their house will be the best opportunity you'll ever have to gather data on these people. Maybe you already do understand your parents well, but even then it would be worth taking the opportunity to double check your theories about them.

 

So maybe you can think of it as an anthropology project, observing your parents and trying to figure them out. You may want to look into their past as well as the present; there may be things you can find out from them now, about how they got where they are, that you might otherwise never learn. This is also an investment in your own future, exercising your control over it. Understanding your parents better will be something you'll value for many years to come.

 

Your parents will have been a major influence on you. Even if what you mainly want to do later is undo the effects of this influence, understanding them is an important part of understanding yourself.

[Dintiradan]

For what it's worth, we're all willing to listen to your 'venting'. Hopefully our advice is somewhat applicable.

 

Going to echo what jlsgaladriel and Other said -- try to find someone in meatspace to act as a mentor or mediator or both. Teacher, pastor or elder, school counselor, older friend, whatever.

 

Having your entire family attend counseling together might be very beneficial (I'd argue that whenever one family member has individual counseling, the entire family should have a group session at least once). But there are a few possible problems with this. First and foremost, the entire family needs to be on-board, willing to address the problem. It might not be cheap. And I kinda know what small towns are like -- such options simply might not be available to you. My K-12 school didn't have anyone acting in a 'counselor' role (though there were a number of teachers I would have been close enough to talk to if need be). There's bound to be toll-free numbers for these sorts of issues, though.

 

One option you might want to consider is asking someone to directly act as a mediator between you and your mother, since as you say actual discussion is impossible between you two. This is a deeply personal request, probably best to ask a relative or very close friend of the family. Your post seems to imply that you have a father -- can/will he act in this regard?

 

All of the above assumes that you do want to patch up your relationship with your mother. Maybe it's as Slartucker said and the environment is too toxic for you to stay in any longer than necessary. Though I don't know the whole situation, it does sorta seem this way from the above post. If you do need to get out of there soon, seek advice about your rights as a minor; certainly don't take any from me, as I am neither a lawyer nor a U.S. citizen.

 

But I'll be assuming you don't want to burn any more bridges with your family (and perhaps the rest of your community). You'll want to make your intentions of reconciliation known to her. However, the wrong time to do this is in the midst of a heated argument. You'll need to take the initiative and talk to her at what you judge to be a good time. There are a bunch of different approaches you could take, depending your personalities and the situation. Tell her how hard it is for you to keep your cool while talking to her, and that you miss how the two of you could talk with each other without arguing. Or tell her how you were hurt by her comments. Or tell her how you're committed to making the relationship work and making life more bearable for the both of you.

 

It's going to be tough. Try to avoid making it sound like a list of demands, or accusations. Don't be or appear spiteful, or flippant, or passive aggressive. Don't make it a canned speech, but at the same time prepare yourself so you're able to measure your responses during the conversation(s). After you're extended the olive branch, you've done all you can do. Above all else, be honest with yourself. Just like you're going in with concerns about her behaviour, she's going to bring up problems she has with you. I'm not asking you to lie down and take it from her, but evaluate what she says and either rebut what she has to say, or accept what she has to say and talk about how you intend to change. 'Peace talks' usually end up with concessions from both sides, for better or worse.

 

I really want to stress this: all of my (questionable) advice needs to be tailored to your own situation. A 'peace talk' might be just the thing to clear the air (though it won't have magic results). You might be able to appeal to her rational side, or her nurturing side, or whatever. But don't be surprised if it just turns into another shouting match. Or it could actually make things worse. Drawing from a recent event: someone I know just broke off a relationship, partially because of a poor relationship with her boyfriend's mother. At some point during the deteriorating relationship, she sent the mother a letter. I didn't read it, but someone who did told me it was polite but assertive, well reasoned, and conciliatory. More mature than I had come to expect from her. But, of course, the mother took the letter as an affront to her parenting skills, and the relationship between the two worsened sharply.

 

It's well past midnight, rendering my advice even more questionable. I really do feel for you, though I can't put myself in your shoes: the comments you said were made to you are ones I've never experienced outside a work of fiction. I really hope that Slartucker's analysis is wrong, and that you're able to patch things up, even a little bit. It's clear that things are pretty horrible for you right now, but here's hoping they get better. We're all rooting for you.

[nikki.]

I can't really add much more than has been said, except that you have a support network here if ever you need one, and to say that, trust me, it does get better once you get that place of your own.

[Lilith]

Originally Posted By: Nikki.

I can't really add much more than has been said, except that you have a support network here if ever you need one, and to say that, trust me, it does get better once you get that place of your own.

it's true

your parents may even become less unreasonable once you have moved out and they realise that you now have control over how involved they are in your life

good luck~

[Randomizer]

I don't know what you are planning to do once you turn 18, but if you are going to college, then you might consider applying for early admission. If your grades are good enough you usually can at least get into your state university and might be able to get a scholarship or some other waiver of admission costs to help with expenses.

 

That would mean getting out of your home sooner and getting on with your life.

[Rowen]

Not much that I can add that others have not said already. If you ever make it to the Idaho panhandle let me know.

[VCH]

Do you have any Uncles, Aunts or Grandparents that would understand and take you in for a few months, years?

[Tracer Bullet]

Originally Posted By: VCH

Do you have any Uncles, Aunts or Grandparents that would understand and take you in for a few months, years?

Days, weeks, months, who knows? (Eeyore)

[keira]

Thanks everyone for your support <3. Thankfully, she's gone until Sunday for a scrabbooking expo-thing, so I've got a fairly uneventful weekend planned.

 

Regarding my dad: he's nice enough, and kinda knows what's going on, but he's reeeeeeally whipped. So I don't expect much help from him unless things get a bit worse. Pretty much the same situation with relatives. They're either wacko, on my mom's side, and/or living in California.

 

I'm turning my attentions now to finding someone IRL to talk to this about. Problem is, I haven't money for a counselor, nor much social skills to talk to people. My school does have a counselor, but she would just end up getting my mom involved a lot in that process, which at the current point I'm not ready to handle yet.

 

If worst comes to worst, I can secure a ride to the Colorado if need be (ifffeeeeeeeeeee) from an IRL friend, and I have very few ties to MT that can't be broken easily enough over the Internet (thanks to the Facebook), so I can pretty much be out of here in as little as an hour if the need arises.

 

Regarding college and/or a place to be after 18: The way it works out, there's a summer semester-like thing going on at my local college of choice that starts soon after I graduate, and I'm hoping I'll be able to get in on grants/scholarships/etc. That just levee the issue of a place to be December through June. Not sure what I'll be doing there, but I'm hoarding what little moneys i can get my hands on.

 

I'm just hoping these eight months go by quickly.