A Geneforge Trilogy.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

I just started my summer holidays and have run out of things to do after playing every geneforge game through at least once. I decided that I may write a story so i have written the first chapter and would like to know if it is any good, all feedback would be great allong with any improvements on the chapter as i have planned how Saraph gets noticed by the shapers. So for your viewing pleasure/agony...

 

Chapter 1

Saraph is staring off into space oblivious to his father’s rather unstealthy attempt at sneaking up behind him, many times his father steps on a dry patch of grain which crackles underfoot, but this does nothing to Saraph’s daydreaming. His father gets right up behind Him and tackles him to the ground.

“That’s what you get when you slack on this farm son.” His father claims once they are back on their feet.

Saraph counters “Oh come on I’ve done plenty so far I was taking a small break!”

Saraph’s father, Nester, returns to work tending the field. Nester is a small but well built man of about 45 years, years aren’t measured for the poorer outsiders. His main occupation is a farm worker, this would not be the case in the larger cities because farms are tended by seviles, but hear it is not so. He is dedicated to doing a good job on whatever it is he is doing and carves wooden figurines, he is also fairly stern with his children.

 

Saraph is pumping the bilge while his father waters the fields, this is a job that lets the mind wonder, and Saraph starts to think about his daydream. He dreamed that he was an apprentice to the shaper sect. The shapers are a powerful magical sect, they have the power to create life. The shapers keep their secrets very close, only allowing those that prove themselves over and over again, it is a great privilege to be accepted, and the tests are highly dangerous. Saraph is pulled out of his thoughts with a splash of water from his father’s hosepipe, Saraph jumps back and stumbles on a rock causing him to fall to the floor, to this his father has a quick laugh. Nester walks over to his son and gives him a hand up.

As his son brushes himself off he states “Right that’s it for today, lets head home.”

Saraph doesn’t reply, giving his father the silent treatment for wetting him, and tags behind him.

 

Saraph has a slim build with muddy brown hair down to his shoulders and blue eyes, he believes he isn’t anything special and has never really stood out in anything he has done, even though he is fairly intelligent and cunning. He is also very untidy and relaxed. He helps his father in the fields once or twice a week except in harvest when he helps 3 or 4 days in a row, harvest is getting close too maybe within the week. Saraph lives in a small house on the edge of town with barely enough room, in the back garden stands a huge ancient oak tree that he and his sister spent long days playing on when they were younger. Saraph’s mother stays at home all day looking after the house and preparing dinner for when Nester gets home. Saraph passes by a servile with his father, serviles are creations that shapers create to serve them with many laborious tasks, these involve farming, building, crafting their crystals for the shapers work and sometimes they are even made as scribes. Serviles are about five feet tall and well built, they have hunched backs and hooked noses. It is rare that a servile looks up and even rarer to hear one speak unless told to do so. This servile walks past hurriedly while Saraph looks over his shoulder at it.

 

Saraph walks into his house behind his father to hear his mother say to his father that dinner will be 5 minutes.

“Saraph will you be so kind to locate your sister? Charlotte will probably be besides the old oak tree, oh and do hurry i'm serving dinner up now” His mother kindly requests. Saraph leaves the house through the back door and wonders towards the oak tree thinking his sister will me on the other side looking out across the fields towards the hills, his sister sometimes takes the time to paint them and even though she is getting to be a good artist Saraph somehow believes that not even the best artist could capture their awe inspiring presence. They look like a massive wall to the rest of the world like not even a god could penetrate them easily. Yet as Saraph looks around the oak tree he cannot see his sister, who ever so quietly stalks towards him silent as a predator stalking pray, a hunters silence so quiet Saraph has no warning of what will happen until his sister leaps through the air and tackles him to the ground rolling over and pinning him.

“Got ya again, little brother.” She announces victoriously. Saraph’s sister, Charlotte, is small and lithe, she has a wild gleam in her eyes and surprising strength, that Saraph is yet again reminded of as he lies there pinned down. On the whole Charlotte has the looks of a lioness, this also resounds through her hobbies as she hunts regularly. Saraph respects his sister and she is like his best friend, she is always there for him when he needs advice and has never failed him.

“Yeh yeh sis, stop showing off, dinners ready.” Saraph accepts his sisters hand as she unpins him and helps him up then leads her back indoors always glancing over his back to make sure she doesn’t get him again.

 

Saraph walks across the kitchen and takes his seat at the table. Now that he and his sister are there they begin to eat. His mother, Evangeline, asks Nester how the crops are doing, to which he replies that he thinks harvest will start in a couple of days, he turns to Saraph and asks if he has anything planned then.

“Err not that I can remember, I should be fine to help out.”

“As long as you’re not daydreaming all day again then we should get it done in 3 days there isn’t as much to do as last time.” His father assures. The conversation strays to more trivial matters like how his mother’s day was and what his sister has been doing to which they reply that they cleaned the house and such. Evangeline turns to Saraph and asks whether he could do a few jobs tomorrow for her. Evangeline is very pretty with long flowing golden locks and a heart shaped face set with two sapphire coloured eyes and the smile of an angel, the face that goes with her loving heart and kindness. She is always ready to help anyone who may need help and does not judge anybody. Saraph’s father always says how she is his angel on earth and such, Saraph tends to zone out at the awkward love stuff. Saraph swallows his last bite of food before answering that he wouldn’t mind helping out tomorrow, then he stands up and picks up his plate, walks over to the sink and washes it while saying goodnight to his family and then retires to his room quickly falling to sleep from his labour that day.

 

Thanks for reading and as i said earlier i will welcome any feedback.

 

[Olympian9]

Great story. Descriptive and the writing really flows together. I can't wait for more parts of the story. You should add in maybe that a patrol of creations walked by like Battle Alphas and Fyoras. Geneforge will be really fun to write about with all its cool things like magic and the Shaping Arts. Besides the reference to serviles you should really show how magic and shaping effect the life of a farm boy.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Well the idea is that the shaper in charge is new and rather unskilled therefore the town's defences and serviles are rather short in supply (hence there being farmers) but as the story progresses I will introduce new creations just like in the games.

 

My plan for chapter two is that he is performig the chores he got set at the dinner table and hears from a shopkeeper that a powerful shaper is comeing to town to check up on the shaper in charge, Along with a few other little things.

 

P.S. chapter three gets the story realy going and when i get chapter 2 done i'll post it hear for reveiw.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Ok i have been writeing for the past two hours and produced the second chapter, i would realy appritiate your feedback on both the first, and the second chapter so that i may see what i am doing right, and what i am doing wrong so that i may change/improve them allong with the future chapters. here is chapter 2:

 

Chapter 2

Saraph wakes up, rolls over, and then experiences nanoseconds of weightlessness before hitting the floor with a thump. He groans. Saraph rolls onto his back, sits up and wonders as to the time, then he realises that he is in no hurry to get anything done but is rather hungry. He stands up and in his just woken state he fumbles for cloths, he quickly throws on the first things he touches and wonders into the kitchen grabbing the end of a loaf of bread and smearing some jam on it before tearing into it with a vigour rarely seen. After breakfast he wonders out of the back door grabbing a piece of paper with a list of things that need doing and sits by the old oak pondering as to the time and what he should do first. After around 10 minutes he comes to the conclusion that he should plan for a hunting tip his sister has convinced him to go on this weekend, Saraph journeys inside and rummages around his room for his pack which he locates under a pair of unwashed shorts and three pairs of smelly socks. He then proceeds to polish up his dagger and arrange his gear, this takes him around an hour to do.

 

After sorting out his gear Saraph grabs a small pouch of coins from the kitchen surface and leaves though the front door to go to the town merchant. As he wonders towards the centre of town he passes by a fyora, this is a creation that stands about a foot taller than Saraph, it stands on two feet with a lizard like appearance, it has red scales with a yellow underbelly and looks at Saraph with intelligent eyes. Fyoras are used by shapers as guards and even pets occasionally. Saraph heard from his sister that they are capable of spiting globules of fire twenty feet through the air although he has never been witness to it. Saraph doesn’t mind the fyoras, they are there as guards and he has nothing to hide. He walks by without a backwards glance and turns into the shop about a hundred yards later. As Saraph enters the shop the merchant there notices him immediately.

“Hello there, how may I help you today?”

“I need everything on this list please.” As Saraph speaks he hands over a list of items his mother wrote down that they needed.

“Ah not a problem wait hear a moment.” The merchant calls over his shoulder as he turns and begins gathering the items on the list. He hands Saraph a bunch of pods first. Saraph recognises them as healing pods, they contain a substance created by shapers that once spread onto a wound it proceeds to change itself into new skin and tissue and knits the wound back up without the trace of the original injury at all. Saraph marvels at the genius of the shapers for a moment but is snapped out of his thoughts as the merchant begins to speak.

“So you heard the news?”

“What news?” Saraph inquires.

“A powerful shaper is on his way to evaluate Shaper Ayden’s performance. Bout time too if you ask me, could do with the relief.” He realises what he just said and laughs fakely.

“I’m kidding you, Ayden’s doing great isn’t he?” the merchant corrects.

“Yeh, fantastic.” Saraph replies with a hint of sarcasm.

 

The truth being that Shaper Ayden is new to the rank of shaper and as such was given a small out of the way town to supervise, the problem now is that Ayden is too inexperienced and cannot provide the support that a more advanced shaper could, but even though he is inexperienced he is still a shaper and you don’t speak bad of a shaper at all. Ayden’s inexperience results in farmers being required and a serious lack of defences. The news of a powerful shaper coming to evaluate Ayden is good, maybe now the town will receive some support and help. The merchant finishes gathering up the rest of the items and collects a silver coin along with three bronze coins and hands over the items. Saraph collects them in his arms and returns home.

Saraph packs away the items he just bought and glances at the to do list in his pocket. As he looks down he notices that once line states ‘fix the filter’. The filter is a small device behind the house that Shaper Ayden has made a requirement to all houses in the town, it works by feeding the households water through a sponge like creation that absorbs all the foreign particles in the water, and for some reason it is playing up.

 

As Saraph is the only person in the house that knows how it works he decides that he should sort it out. He collects the toolkit from the cupboard under the sink and heads out to the filter. As he inspects it he notices a number of minor problems that the filter has and gets to work. He opens up the filter and gently removes the sponge creation putting it carefully to one side, he then proceeds to clean and retighten the seals. This is a very tedious job as there are so many different pipes and junctions he is still working when his mother pokes her head round the door.

“Dinners ready.” As she says this Saraph’s stomach growls like a tiger cub, he realises he missed lunch and hurries into the house taking his seat at the table. His dad tells Saraph that harvest begins tomorrow and that he will wake Saraph up in the morning, other than that the table stays quiet while they eat. Saraph cleans his plate and returns outside to finish the water filter in the dark, within the hour he is finished and decides that he should sleep due to the fact that he must be up early in the morning.

 

P.S. Many Apologies if it is hard on the eyes it is hard to split up a chapter to make it easier to read while still keeping the paragraphing correct, so for the sake of a good story i sacraficed a small amount of the easy read, it reads well on my document writer.

[Olympian9]

Wow it is awesome! That was really smart making up a creation that filters water and the description of the fyora is cool. You are doing a great job and i can not wait for more!

Also you could do something exciting like a bandit attack or a rogue creation. Otherwise you are doing great!

[Drakon Sssharxx]

you cought my plan for chapter 3. but i wont reveal more, the suspence is what makes it better

 

P.S. I'm off to bed now it's late will start chapter 3 tomorrow.

[Olympian9]

I can't wait

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Ok i have been awake for a while now and got around to carrying on my story, as before i would realy like feedback. here it is:

 

Chapter 3

Saraph wakes up with aching muscles, he has been helping his farther with the harvest for the last two days and hopefully this will be his last day, tomorrow he can relax. He sits up and yawns, stretching out his arms while he arcs his back as much as he can. Saraph stands up and surveys his room for a set of cloths, and having located some he proceeds to get dressed. He exits from his bedroom and ambles towards the kitchen throwing back some milk from the kitchen top. Having slept a little too long Saraph has no time to grab anything of substance and hurries out the front door, running to catch up his father.

 

Saraph arrives at the fields and looks them over, there are three serviles working on them along with fifteen humans, there is only half of the grain scythed down, Saraph groans, he will be here tomorrow now as well. He pushes the thought to the back of his mind and hurries over to his father to get to work. He starts by getting a scythe and chopping down a patch about ten meters by ten meters, he then gathers up the chopped grain and ties it together with string and proceeds to scythe the next lot while a servile gathers up the batches of grain.

 

Saraph’s work proceeds slowly but uninterrupted until about midday. Saraph hears a low wave of awed gasps slowly spreading up the fields by the edge of the path. He looks up to see two huge humanoid figures walking up the path, they are easily twice the size of Saraph and look like they could tear apart a house with ease, they’re brown and their bodies look like solid slabs of muscle, their backs look curved under the weight of it all. As Saraph slowly gets over the imposing figures his vision wonders slightly until he notices a shaper walking slightly ahead of the huge beasts. The shaper is dressed in a blue robe that flitters around his ankles, he wears leather pants, probably made from ornkskin, and a leather top, a small wooden rod hangs at his waist. Saraph cannot see the shapers face as it is obscured in shadow by the shapers hood. As the shaper strolls along the road, getting closer to Saraph all the time, Saraph notices a small fyora, well small compared to them huge creations, it seems less controlled than the others, like it is meant as the shapers pet.

 

As the shaper passes by Saraph the shapers little control over the fyora breaks, its eyes turn wild, but it hasn’t totally lost obedience because if it had it would have attacked the closest thing to it, the shaper, but it hasn’t, a creation would take years of being rouge before it even tried to attack a shaper, instead it runs towards the second closest thing, Saraph. Saraph first feels fear, he is rooted to the spot, he knows he couldn’t outrun it, the fear paralyses him as he tries to get his legs to run, to gain a little more time so that the shaper may notice his creation and help. Then Saraph realises that the shaper is totally oblivious, he gets annoyed, and the anger breaks though his fear and he shouts at the fyora.

“Stop!” The fyora hesitates, Saraph notices and realises that creations respond to commanding words, he tries as hard as he can to put as much command into the next words, he hopes it will be enough.

“You must return to your master, he will deal with your behaviour.” Saraph shocks himself as he hears the words reverberate within his head, he is surprised how commanding his voice could be. The fyora also notices, his eyes flicker back to an obedient look, it knows what will now happen, but a creation has no choice but to obey an order, it skips back slowly to the shaper, the shaper that is now looking directly at Saraph.

 

As the fyora reaches the shaper, the shapers eyes do not leave Saraph, not even when he waves his hand and absorbs the fyora, a penalty for going rogue. The shapers eyes bore into Saraph and Saraph can’t look away. The Shaper clears his throat.

“Come with me.” The shaper turns clearly unwilling to speak again but his voice was ancient, portraying a great power. Saraph shivers under the power of the shapers voice but hurries to follow the shaper. When a shaper tells somebody other than a shaper to do something, they do it, no questions asked.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Still waiting for some feedback from more than just one person, i would realy like to write it so that many people may enjoy it. hears chapter 4, kindof a transition chapter.

 

Chapter 4

As Saraph follows this mysterious shaper he starts inspecting him closer, everything about this shaper radiates power, the way he walks with his head forward, his sure footing not once missing a step while keeping his steps a constant distance apart. His shoulders never move, and his hands flexed ready to react in a moments notice. This makes Saraph wonder how he didn’t notice his rogue fyora, whether he is this alert now because of that or just whether he didn’t care for it. Saraph is also hyperaware of the huge hulking creations in front of him to either side. They walk with an awkward gait as if their muscles inhibit a smooth limb movement. Now Saraph is closer to them he realises his earlier evaluation of them was an understatement, they are almost three times the size of him and their muscles are almost as big as his waist, they are truly imposing, Saraph is surprised how anybody can be as confident as the shaper in their presence.

 

The shaper nears the building in the centre of town, it is the only stone building in town, and hardly anyone can say they have entered it. Saraph realises he may have the chance to say he has, his excitement builds as they get closer and closer, Saraph notices the shaper symbol on the wall next to the entrance, it is a circle surrounded by a larger circle with the inner band filled in apart from three segments at the outer edge which are equal distance apart. In front of this symbol is a turret, a type of fungal growth shaped by the shapers it has a stem on top that points at any intruders, it has the ability to shoot thorns at high speeds from this stem. Shapers use turrets as stationary settlement defences, although these are probably the only ones in town. The shaper continues undeterred with Saraph in tow.

 

Saraph passes through the entrance, the two creations that the shaper owned are left to defend the entrance as they cannot fit through the doors. The shaper continues along a green carpet running though the centre of the corridor, towards a grand archway, as Saraph gets closer to it he notices the intricacy in the carving of the pillars of the arch. As Saraph passes below it he is stunned to a stop, he looks around at the hall he has entered, the floor is covered in a green carpet dotted with four stone platforms that also contain the shaper symbol on them, the walls are built out of marble bricks, polished to a shine by the hard work of serviles, moving further upwards Saraph admires the marble pillars holding up the roof, the most amazing part though is the ceiling, it is domed with a series of pictures upon it, the pictures represent the golden age that the shapers have created, the rich cities, the solid sense of security and the gratitude of the people.

 

As Saraph regains his composure he notices the shaper he is following indicate to keep following him. As Saraph continues onwards the shaper turns right and walks forward, you notice then that there is another shaper here. He is sat upon a marble throne, he is wearing a red robe with comfortable pants and tunic, unlike the shaper you are with who wears the sturdy cloths of travel. As the shaper you are following nears Shaper Ayden he stops.

“Report” he states, the ancient voice echoes around the room. Saraph gets a closer look at Shaper Ayden, he looks tired there are bags beneath his eyes, he breaths deeply, his neck is also strained and his body tense from hard work, and his forhead is beaded with nervous sweat.

“The town is coping well, we have had no serious problems to date, but I must admit I cannot provide everything this town needs. I have been forced to hire farmers and a few extra guards due to my own inability to provide, for this I am regretful.” The words leave Ayden’s mouth strained but apologetic. The shaper facing Ayden nods once and turns around glancing at Saraph briefly signalling that he hasn’t forgotten him. Saraph also turns and follows the shaper out of the halls.

 

The shaper walks past the huge creations that fall into formation again and continues along the road out of town. Saraph wonders why this shaper still wants him following him, Saraph thought that maybe the shaper was going to say something to Ayden but he did not, and now all Saraph can do is wonder as he follows the shaper past his house and towards the path beside the fields that Saraph had the encounter with the fyora.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

This is the last chapter i will probably post untill i get some more feedback, i will continue writing the story but would realy appriciate your comments. it's hard to write a story with no support from comments as i do not know wether to keep going because i am doing well or to change the chapters i have already written to improve it to a decent standard. ALL comments are welcome.

 

Chapter 5

 

As the shaper walks down the road past the last house in town, Saraph looks across the fields towards his father, at the same time nester looks up at his son and their eyes meet, Saraph sees eagerness in nesters eyes like his father is desperate to talk with him. Saraph remains behind the shaper though until the shaper says otherwise, as Saraph walks past his fathers field his father approaches slowly. The shaper turns his head but doesn’t slow down.

“This boy will travel with me to Dillame.” It is not a question and his father knows it, he backs away looking at Saraph, hurt in his eyes, knowing that it will be weeks at least before he sees him again. Saraph realises this too and his heart starts heating up. Every step he takes behind the shaper causes his heart to get warmer, he follows the shaper down the road, warmer, warmer, he passes by the edge of the last field, hotter, hotter, and they reach the forest at the bottom of the mountain pass, burning, burning. Saraph takes a hundred more steps and then cannot take it anymore he blacks out, his mind protecting itself from the hurt, he didn’t get to say goodbye to his father, worse yet he didn’t even get to glimpse his mother or sister, how will his father explain it to them? How will they react? And why is he being carted off to Dillame by this shaper? What has he done to warrant this? Saraph has never left the town for longer than a couple of evenings, and now he’s leaving his town, rocky point one of the most southern points in Illya province, with no idea of when he will return.

 

Saraph wakes up, he feels warm air bathing the right side of his body and can see stars above him. He looks right to see a small, smokeless, campfire and on the other side sits the shaper. The shapers hood is down and the fire lights his face, he has mid length brown hair and a thin jaw with a long nose. His eyes show knowledge and wisdom and yet he looks more friendly and relaxed than Saraph has seen him yet.

“I apologise for what you have gone through today.” This was the last thing Saraph expected him to say, it takes him a moment to regain his composure before he can reply.

“Erm, who are you?” The shaper opposite the fire chuckles briefly, though Saraph notices a slight hint of fakeness behind it.

“I am Shaper Andras” Saraph chuckles slightly, he notices that every shaper he knows the name of begins with the letter A.

“Why are you taking me to Dillame?” Andras looks down, Saraph waits patiently for his answer not wanting to say something that stops Andres speaking.

“After seeing you control my Fyora, I have decided that you would make a good member of our order. I wish for you to travel with me back to Dillame to request that the council to sponsor you to the academy. That is, if you would like to?” Saraph’s face slowly lights up as Andras is talking, his dreams may yet come true.

“Absolutely” Saraph responds after getting over the initial shock. Andras lies back and pulls a blanket over himself, and taking this as a signal Saraph rolls onto his side and falls asleep a grin splitting his face.

 

[Acky]

I don't really see any problems with your writing, except for the occasional sentence where you use too many comma's. Like so:

 

Quote:

After seeing you control my rogue fyora, I decided that you may make a good member of our order, I wished you to travel with me back to Dillame to request that the council member sponsor you to study at our academy, that is if you would like to?”

 

I'm about half sure that this is still grammatically correct, but nevertheless, this would look better if it was broken up. For instance:

 

Quote:

After seeing you control my Fyora, I have decided that you would make a good member of our order. I wish for you to travel with me back to Dillame to request that the council to sponsor you to the academy. That is, if you would like to.

 

Otherwise, I'm liking the story.

 

The Great Archon

[nikki.]

Maybe he uses too many commas because he has asthma?

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Ah yes i see what you mean Ackrovan i too prefer your adaptation, thank you. i will look over it.

 

P.S. Your geneforge wiki is helping a fair amount, it is a shame that you have not got around to finishing it yet though. i got the location for Saraph's hometown from there. I will make sure that i mention that i retrived information for the story from there and include you in the thanks.

 

P.P.S. Oh and is there a way to change the topic name, its no longer a bit of a story... lol. and would someone please explain how the links work in the signature as i dont think it uses HTML link system? Thanx

[Alorael at Large]

I believe you can change the topic title by editing the first post.

 

You can't use HTML, but you can use UBBCode. While posting in the full reply screen, the second button above your post text, the one that looks like a globe with a paperclip on it (it's supposed to be a link in a chain, but it's a paperclip!) will help you set up a link. Or you can just do it by hand:

 

Code:

This is a link to Spiderweb Software!

 

Displays as: This is a link to Spiderweb Software!

 

—Alorael, who hopes this helps you in your linking and titling endeavors.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Thank you, i have just finished the next chapter, will proof read it and post it up in a moment after sorting out the thread title and link problem i had.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Hear is chapter 6... i could do with finding a tidier way of posting these chapters as im starting to get quite a few, with quite few more planned... any ideas welcome.

 

Chapter 6

The mountain pass lies behind Saraph as Andras gets him to help set up camp. Andras said it will rain overnight so Saraph works on building a typical hunting shelter, small but sturdy and easy to construct it consists of two short branches holding up a long one and then sticks and leaves layered up against the long branch. Once Saraph is finished he sits by the fire and waits for dinner to cook. While he waits, he reviews the past few days travelling along the mountain pass…

 

After Saraph woke the morning after Andras told him why he was being taken to Dillame. He was still smiling from the news and was eager to set off, he helped pack up camp and set off close behind Andras. Andras did not speak and Saraph wasn’t one for being sociable and didn’t want to push for information so he remained silent. The hours passed silently with only the padding of boots on the track to listen to, Andras had absorbed his two battle alphas as Saraph had discovered they were called. In their place Andras had created four roamers. roamers are waist high creations with a yellowish green skin and walk on all fours, they have an arrowhead shaped head and a coiled body built for pouncing, they also have a set of acid glands that allow them to spit deadly acid at a foe. Andras ordered them to scout around the two of them and warn them of any threats. And so the day passed and Andras showed no sign of stopping for dinner but paced on tirelessly, Saraph didn’t want to be responsible for slowing down a shapers assignment so he continued on working through his hunger.

 

Andras stopped as the sky darkened and started to set up camp, he asked if Saraph had any experience with setting up camp, to which Saraph informed him that he had, and asked him to help him. Andras had dinner ready by the time Saraph had his shelter built and he settled down to eat. While Saraph ate he asked how Andras seemed tireless after so long walking. Andras simply replied that it was part off a shapers training and that Saraph would learn more in the near future. Saraph quickly settled down under his shelter and fell asleep.

 

The next morning Saraph wakes up to aching muscles and sore feet but ignores them as he gets up stretches and receives a bowl of food from Andras. He quickly eats the food and packs away camp with Andras. They get back onto the mountain pass walking slowly at first due to Saraph’s aching muscles but soon his muscles have loosened off and they are up to speed again much to Andras relief. The day passes by quickly but at around dinnertime Andras pulls the end of a loaf of stale bread out his pack and hands it to Saraph, they continue walking while Saraph fights to tear through the bread. Once again they set up camp at nightfall but this time they didn’t exchange any words and settled to sleep after dinner. Saraph didn’t sleep very well that night as the altitude meant that there was a biting cold that he couldn’t shake off and was in and out of sleep all night.

 

The next morning Saraph’s legs ached again but he worked through it easier as he was expecting it, they packed camp and set off down the other side of the pass, the descent went faster and by midday they could see the bottom of the pass and the beginning of the grasslands that separated the pass and Dillame. Once again Andras passed Saraph a lump of bread at midday and they continued on, by nightfall they had reached the bottom

and set up camp.

 

Saraph finishes his dinner and speaks for the first time in days.

“How long will it take us to cross the plains?” Andras looks up at Saraph.

“There is a small Farming village to the east of hear which we should reach by midday, we will stop there for a decent meal and pick up a couple of horses as the grasslands between hear and Dillame are very large and would take weeks on foot. With horses we should be there within three of four days and will give you some time to recover before you meet the council member there.” He thinks for a moment.

“I will get a set of cloths for you while we are at the village, them cloths weren’t meant for heavy travel and are looking very poor indeed.” Saraph thanks him and, happy that he doesn’t have much farther to walk, goes to sleep with a smile on his face.

 

[Artemis~]

isnt it supposed to be "Andras" not "Andres?" or did you just add your own name?

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Yes it was suppost to be named after the generic shaper name from the game but I hadn't played it recent enough and therefore picked the wrong name, I noticed the mistake while playing geneforge 3 earlyer today. it is not a major problem to be honest and I may yet correct it. In the meantime here is chapter 7.

 

Chapter 7

 

Saraph and Andras spot the small farming village a couple of miles away, they have been walking constantly since morning. As they get closer Saraph notices that it is too quiet, and considering that this is a farming village there are no farmers tending the field. He points this out to Andras who agrees, they pause on the road. Saraph looks towards the village straining his eyes to focus on the small spaces between houses. He notices slight movements in the shadows and quickly tells Andras. Andras goes prone and orders Saraph to do so as well. He pulls a small object out of his pack, which looks like a small baton, and looks through one end of it and points the other towards the village. Andras remains still and silent for about ten minutes as he slowly moves the baton from side to side.

“Rogues.” Andras states as he stands up. He pulls back his sleeves, a preparation for shaping, and closes his eyes. As he concentrates thin golden tendrils exit the tips of his fingers and travel to individual spots on the floor about five feet apart from each other. Saraph watches in amazement as ten giant worms slowly come into existence before his very eyes. They are about eight feet in length and easily as thick as seraphs waist. They have a nasty spike at the bottom of their mouth used for tunnelling and attacking, their skin is pale and they writhe around waiting for orders.

“Clear the village.” Andras commands as he closes his eyes once more and repeats the process. Andras creates, and sends into the village, a total of twenty worms and once they are out of sight he proceeds forward.

 

Andras pulls out the polished stick at his waist and draws a dagger, the latter he hands to Saraph.

“Just in case.” Saraph takes the dagger and grasps it firmly. Saraph starts hearing screeches and grunts from the rogues as they are routed out and killed, chills start to creep up his spine as the creation’s dieing screeches get louder. As they get about ten paces from the closest building there is one last resounding shriek from a fyora and then all is quiet. Andras leads the way through the village slowly, each step feeling like it took an hour. As they near the centre of the village Saraph’s hairs at the back of his head stand on end, he shivers once before a resounding crash resonates from behind. Saraph feels a rush of hot air radiate from the source of the noise, he turns around just in time to see a fyora rush out of a building twenty yards away.

Saraph grips the dagger in his right hand tighter while he fills his lungs with air.

“I command you to stop!” Saraph fills the words with all the command he can muster but it doesn’t work, the fyora has been rogue too long. Instead the fyora speeds up, colliding with Saraph knocking him to the floor while tearing into his left arm with its teeth. Saraph screams in pain as he hears a loud crack as his bone snaps, he lashes out in pain with his limbs catching the fyora’s hamstring with the dagger. The dagger slices deep into the creations leg causing streams of blood to rush out. The fyora releases Saraph’s arm to screech in pain allowing Saraph to regain his focus, with a quick lunge Saraph thrusts the dagger into the creations mouth and though the back of its head. His vision begins to blur as he sees the fyora collapse to the floor dead, moments later he sees the ground rush up to meet him and his vision blacks.

 

When Saraph wakes his head is hazy, it takes him a moment to remember what happened. When he does his eyes snap open and he jumps up looking around, seconds later his actions catch up with him and his head spins as blood rushes from his brain. He falls onto his hands and knees and feels his left forearm cry out with pain he falls flat on the floor gritting his teeth as the pain recedes. As he regains his senses he opens his eyes again, slowly this time. He looks around to see a small campfire with a steaming pot above it. As he sees it the smell of stew wafts up his nostrils causing a chain reaction in his body, first his stomach growls and then his mouth wells up with saliva. He ignores this as he looks around further, he spots two horses picketed to a tree about ten yards away. His mind still not quite clear enough to question their presence, he continues to look around till his eyes spot Andras.

“What happened?” As Saraph says this he notices his throat is dry and he tries to swallow saliva to moisten it again.

“Well, you after you killed that fyora, rather valiantly I might add, you blacked out from blood loss, I bandaged your arm up as best I could and splinted it. I hurried around town looking for any supplies that my help but what supplies there were had either used during the initial attack by the rogues or burnt by the fyora’s breath. I did manage to locate these two horses cowering in a corner, I calmed them down lead them back to you. From there I lifted you onto one of them and mounted the other and rode out of town to make camp elsewhere, I didn’t wish to linger in that place too long after what happened.”

“Why can’t you heal my arm without the use of pods? You are a shaper arn't you?” Saraph inquires drowsily.

“I have used up too much essence creating the various creations that this journey has required of me, do not forget I was instructed to check on Shaper Ayden on the way back from another assignment.” Andras spoons some food from the pot above the fire into a bowl and hands it to Saraph while he says this. Saraph takes the food and tries to eat it as fast as he can, burning his mouth in the attempt. After dinner he collapses under his shelter and falls asleep exhausted.

 

Ok, i have taken the time to correct the shapers name for all the chapters, I thank you for pointing that out.

 

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Good evening everybody, I have had a fairly busy day today and only just managed to squeeze into it, the writing of this chapter. i am going camping tomorrow for two nights so I will be off untill sunday evening at least, but untill then i present to you... chapter 8 - Sectacular.

 

Chapter 8 - Spectacular

 

Saraph and Andras have been riding for three days. When Saraph wakes up, on the fourth morning after leaving the farming village, he is exited. Today could be the day they reach Dillame. Today could be the day Saraph is evaluated to become an apprentice. Today may even be the day he gets accepted. Driven by this thought Saraph wakes early, so early in fact that he sees Andras asleep for the first time on this journey. Saraph rummages around in the bags and pulls out a strip of meat wrapped in cloth, a pan, and a water flask. He throws a couple of sticks onto the smouldering embers, he then proceeds to blow on the embers to set the sticks on fire. Once Saraph is happy that the fire is hot enough he places the pan over the fire and fills it with water. He waits patiently for the water to boil before carefully ripping the meat into chunks, so as to not aggravate his forearm, and throwing them into the pot as well. He then goes back over their packs and rummages around for some salt and a few choice herbs which he also adds to the pot and waits for the meat to cook. Saraph’s actions cause Andras to stir and soon he is also awake. Once the rather plain food is cooked Saraph serves it into two bowls and passes one to Andras. They eat in silence and once finished Andras starts to pack away camp while Saraph readies the horses.

 

After riding for a couple of hours Saraph can see, on the horizon, Dillame. From this distance Saraph cannot make out any details and can barely see the citadel, but still it gets his heart going and he urges his horse slightly faster. As they get closer Saraph starts to distinguish the city walls from the citadel, he is amazed at the size of the city, it spans easily over a league and the citadel towers high over the rest of the city. To either side of the city Saraph can see the ocean, it is the first time he has ever seen it and it too takes his breath away. It is a deep blue that stretches as far as he can see, an endless void and yet he can understand peoples attraction to its dangerous beauty. It is independent of sides, race, or rank, it does as it pleases and laughs at those that attempt to tame it. It is wild and careless and given time will eat away at anything in it way.

 

The closer Saraph get to the city the more it reveals, amazing Saraph further. Saraph starts to see dark specks in the sky, and specks that remain still besides the huge city gate. Towers rise constant distances apart along the wall and each one holds a flag waving in the slight breeze, Saraph isn’t quite close enough to see the symbol on the flags but he guesses that they bear the shapers symbol. He also notices three ships anchored in the bay with small boats travelling back and forth between the dock and each ship. As Saraph looks in awe he notices on of the specks in the sky growing larger. Whatever it is, it is heading towards them.

 

As the speck gets larger Saraph can make out the shape, it looks like a long snake with a pair of midsized wings. As it draws even closer Saraph can pick out more detail of the creature. It is a pinkish colour with darker patches, and its wings flap slightly slower then they should be which gives Saraph the impression that they are kept airborne by something more than just their wings. Its body twists and turns acting like a rudder in the wind, keeping it on course. As it flies overhead Saraph gets a good look at its body, the main part of it is segmented into about six or seven segments, it has a stinger on the end of its tail and beneath its wings it has two patches of skin that look slightly porous and directed backwards. Andras informs Saraph that it is called a wingbolt, a creation with lots of potential.

 

As they near Dillame, the wingbolt having passed over again and returned to circling the city perimeter, Saraph can see more details. The specks at either side of the gate become human guards, dressed in heavy armour with nasty looking swords at their waists. On the walls, in between each merlon, sits a turret. Each tower holds a ballista manned by two soldiers, and the citadel roof is used as a rest stop for the patrolling wingbolts. The trail Saraph and Andras are following meets up with many others to form one long wide straight filled with travellers to and from the city. Hours later they approach the gates, the sun fell a couple of hours ago and traffic on the road is few and far between. The gates are closed and as you approach the guard raises his visor to get a better view. When he realises that a shaper is approaching he rings a bell once. The gate opens smoothly, gliding on well oiled hinges. As they open they reveal the city within, Saraph’s mouth falls open at the sight.

 

 

Hope you are enjoying the story so far and would appritiate it if you would post down appropiate chapter names for chapters one to seven (would save me a bit of time tehe). As i said before, all feedback is welcome.

[Artemis~]

this is really good, but i think that you should use more descriptive detail when talking about andras' character. so far he seems mysterious, but remember, no shaper is emotionless.

 

also make him have a wife named artemis. XD

[Drakon Sssharxx]

He is suppost to be mysterious at the moment, I hope to clear up the mysteriousness in the rivergate keep, and to Andras he is doing a job and is keeping professional. Shapers tend not to confide in outsiders, they talk more to other memebers of their sect.

 

By all means make requests to be in the story, i'll see what i can do. Please Try to add a shot description of how the character will look and their position. I will expand upon the discription i just need something to go off.

 

P.S. Please don't request a rediculus position like council member or high counciler, keep it reasonable.

 

P.S.S. I do plenty of research before each chapter, I plan what will happen, then research what i dont understand, when i get to rivergate keep i will play the geneforge games a bit to understand better the interactions between shapers and their general attitude to conversation and such. I'm rather enjoying writing this story, it realy helps me learn so much about the geneforge game i missed on my playthroughs, and I doubt i've even scratched the surface yet.

[Artemis~]

okey dokey. a rather short woman who is an instructer at a shaper school. she's not horibly beautiful, but still on the pritty side. she is confident but angers easily.

 

...that should make an adequate character.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

short as in 5'4" (average female hight that i know) or smaller?

[Artemis~]

that sounds about right to me.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Although by asking to have artemis as an instructor at the shapeing school, you gave me the idea to name all the instructors after the lesser known greek gods/goddess'.

[Artemis~]

oooh! that would be cool!

[Velzan]

How bout a 6'1 Guardian that has an average temperment named Velerak? just an idea Enjoy

[Olympian9]

This story is fantastic! I love it! I think Saraph should meet another apprentice Shaper at school or on the road. They could become friends and go on adventure together.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Hopeing to start the next chapter soon, waiting for my mind to clear after the weekend so that i can write it to the best of my ability. It will require a lot of discription so I need my imagination to be switched on. Hopeing to be posting again soon.

 

Sharx.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Hear is the 9th chapter of the story only just got it finished before bedtime, hope you enjoy.

 

Chapter 9 – A City for Kings

 

A large stone road stretches of in the direction of the citadel, straight and never wavering off course by even an inch. The houses to either side of the road are small stone cottages with flat roofs and made of white brick. They have a cloth canopy stretching from the front of the house and sheltering the door. Every few houses Saraph spots a human sleeping on the stonework under a canopy. Some of these homeless people open their eyes to view the newcomers pass by them. Saraph looks around further to notice a squadron of guards heading silently towards them. When the guards approach they spread out and turn on their heels silently assuming a defensive escort. Saraph and Andras proceed along the road accompanied by the guards.

 

Saraph notices a slight change in the buildings, the further into the city they get the larger the housing gets. The houses change to two story housing at about the same time small wooden stalls appear on the sides of the road. The road also becomes slightly smoother and the people sleeping at the side of the streets vanish. Overhead a wingbolt swoops by and a small pack of patrolling creations pass by. The patrol of creations consists of two Battle Alphas and three Kyshakks. A Kyshakk is a huge reptilian creation. It stands on four feet and has thick leathery skin and strong armour plates along its back. It is about three feet taller than Saraph. Kyshakks are capable of generating massive electrical currents and directing them towards enemies.

 

Saraph and Andras continue along the road as it widens and the houses on either side turn into shops. The wooden stalls disappear and the road becomes lighter and cleaner. Saraph peers through the shop windows to see that some sell groceries while others sell crude cloths and shoes. The creation patrols become more periodic and Saraph sees the odd figure wondering through the alleyways wearing some form of long robes. Saraph and Andras pass by countless shops as they get larger and sell more expensive wares, Saraph notes passing by an armour store as well as a shop named Golden Stitches, a particularly grand shop selling all manner of fine cloths.

 

The shops progress into three story townhouses and the road becomes lined with flowerbeds. The flowerbeds overflow with beautiful and magnificent flowers no doubt changed by shapers. The bricks the road is made of changes from common granite to marble which is polished to a shine and yet kept rough enough for the hooves of the horses to grip upon it. The houses are split by a shop every now and then. Yet still Andras leads Saraph onwards until the houses stop and are replaced by huge manors. The front doors are generally flanked by two marble pillars holding up a balcony. There are two bay windows outside of the pillars. The upstairs is similar to the downstairs only there are no pillars besides the glass doors onto the balcony. The roof is polished slate, perfectly chiselled into squares and positioned in perfect order.

 

Andras leads on towards the citadel and as they get within one hundred feet of the front portcullis Andres turns right down a marbled street. He travels a further two hundred yards before dismounting and handing the horses rains to the guard. Saraph proceeds to do the same as Andras walks to the front door of on of the mansions, Andras pulls a key from within his robe and unlocks the door holding it open for Saraph. Saraph enters the mansion and glances around. It is furnished with mahogany wood furniture trimmed with gold and silver. The crystals in the wall brackets begin to glow with a warm yellow light as they sense Saraph and Andras. Andras closes the door and locks it behind him.

“Welcome to my home.” Andras says these words rather subconsciously.

Saraph inquires “This is your home?” the words gasp out of his mouth due to the awe he is feeling.

Andras laughs silently as he states “Yes it is mainly mine but any shaper in need may use it. We shapers care for our brothers and sisters in their time of need.”

 

Saraph shakes his head in disbelief he rests his arm casually on the bookcase only to hiss as pain lances up it as he catches his splint. Andras remembers Saraph’s arm and pulls him with him though the house by his good arm. Saraph glances the wealth and extravagance of the house and notes the display of wealth the shapers have demonstrated in the city as a whole. He then remembers the entrance to the city, the homeless on the street and the small cramped housing so easy to forget while stood in a house such as this. Andras releases Saraph's arm as he steps into a large room with two pools at the other end. One pool is coloured a light green and gently swirls around. The other is a deep blue which writhes around under its own power, it sloshes about getting close to the rim of the pool but never overflowing, a perfect balance of chaos and control. Andras proceeds to the blue pool and stretches out his hands towards it, tendrils of glowing liquid like substance flow out from the pool in pencil width strands. They travel though the air towards his fingers and as they make contact, the skin on Andras’ fingers stretches and displaces as lumps move about under the skin flowing into his hands. As the lumps travel along his hands and up his arms they shrink and vanish, it looks like a very uncomfortable process but Andras shows no discomfort. A few minuets later the strands of glowing substance detaches from the pool and are absorbed into Andras’ hands.

 

Andras turns towards Saraph and calls him over. Saraph walks over to Andras. Andras proceeds to remove the splint delicately and places his hand over the fracture, golden tendrils extend from Andras’ hand and make contact with Saraph’s skin. As the tendrils make contact they begin to knit the muscle and bone back together. Saraph shudders as he feels his muscles writhe about beneath his skin and his bones snap back into proper position, as the muscle is knit back together the new tissue feels hot announcing its presence to the rest of the body. Minuets later Andras withdraws his hand and examines his work nodding satisfied. Saraph looks at his arm too it looks as good as new, no sign of ever being injured. It tingles slightly and Saraph itches it calming it down. Andras gives Saraph directions to a spare bedroom to which Saraph gratefully thanks him and proceeds to his room to sleep, Saraph makes it to the bed but doesn’t manage to remove his cloths. He falls to the bed unconscious from the days exhaustions.

 

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Hear is chapter 10, hope you enjoy.

 

Chapter 10 – The Keep

 

Saraph wakes up in the morning. He looks around and spots a neat pile of clean cloths and a wash bag besides the bed. He climbs out of bed and sweeps the wash bag off the floor, stumbling into the bathroom. He washes at the marble basin trimmed with golden leaves and silver berries. The taps are intricately moulded into fyora heads. After cleaning himself he returns to the bedroom and dresses into the new cloths, they fit comfortably as Saraph marvels at the quality of the fabric. It glides smoothly over his skin yet is still thick and tough. Once dressed Saraph wonders out onto the landing and down the stairs into the entrance hall where he stops. He wonders where he should go as he was given no information on what he should do this morning. As if to answer his question, a servile appears at a door and beckons for Saraph to follow it. Saraph, having nothing else to go off, follows the servile. After a short yet extravagant hallway he comes to a door. The servile steps to the side and bows his head indicating for Saraph to proceed.

 

Saraph opens the door and takes a step forward. He is stood in a large room with white walls and a red carpet above the marble floor. Sat on the carpet is a large mahogany table lined with chairs. Andras is sat eating from a plate of food, across from him is a plate of steaming, untouched food. Andras looks up after finishing his bite of food, he smiles at Saraph and indicates for him to sit and eat. Saraph quickly hurries to the seat and proceeds to tear into the delicious food. Once Andras has finished he places his knife and fork on the plate and wipes his mouth with a cloth.

“We are going to see Councillor Tykro once you have finished. He will decide upon whether you will become a shaper apprentice, stay quiet unless he speaks to you.” Andras informs Saraph in a gentle voice. It seems now that he is off the road, his assignment finished, he acts himself. Saraph nods in confirmation while in mid bite and catches his tongue jumping slightly.

 

Once finished Saraph lays his knife and fork down as well and stretches, yawning widely. Andras stands up and Saraph follows as he leaves the room towards the entryway. They leave the door and proceed back down the marbled road towards the keep. The city looks even grander in the morning light as it sparkles and reflects the sunlight. They get to the citadel, the doors are open now, it is flanked by four huge battle alphas. Andras walks through the door without hesitation, Saraph on the other hand stops at the door as he takes a deep breath. This could be the start of a whole new life. He sets his jaw and takes the step over the threshold and continues to follow Andras along the long, straight corridor. A strip of red carpet runs down the middle of it and at the end Saraph can make out an archway. Saraph is reminded of the time he entered the stone building in rocky point with Andras about two weeks ago. As they near the archway Saraph’s nerves begin to rise and his hands start to shake. His breathing depends and his heart races. The archway consists of two marble pillars holding up the marble arch, the archway itself is flanked by two gold griffin statues their eyes set with rubies. Saraph fights with his breathing and labours to calm down.

 

Andras leads Saraph though the archway into a large hall. Wingbolts are positioned along either side every twenty feet apart and at the far side are two stone thrones. In the right throne sits an elderly man dressed in a red robe, even though he is old his body is muscular and hardy. Sat in the left throne is an elderly woman dressed in a blue robe, she is slender and short but portrays a confidence that suggests she is far from powerless. Andras and Saraph reach the two people sat in the thrones. Andras kneels on one knee and lowers his head to which Saraph copies.

“Rise.” The man in the right throne states. Andras and Saraph stand up, Andras introduces himself.

“Greetings wise councillor. I am Andras and this is Saraph.” The councillor takes note of the names.

“First I have some sad information to impart upon you. On our way hear we travelled through the small farming village of Theass. I am sorry to report that a group of rogue fyoras had sacked the village, no body survived.” The councillor nods.

“Another to add to the list. This is not an isolated event.” The councillor admits regretfully.

“I suppose you will have another task for me then?” to which the councellor nods once.

“I have also brought Saraph with me to Dillame to request you sponsor him. I met him returning from my last task, I lost control of my fyora and it ran to attack him. I didn’t realise this happening until I heard Saraph’s command. He regained control of my fyora and sent it back to me. I see great potential for this boy.” The councillor thinks upon the words for minutes.

“Your request for sponsorship is denied, Please wait outside until I am finished with Andras and I will give him instructions to relay to you.”

[Artemis~]

Your descriptions are absolutely beautiful.

 

No matter how much time you spend studying, or gaming; no matter how tired or alive you are; it doesnt matter how angry or jubilant you might feel,

 

Just don't stop writing.

 

 

I couldn't say that regular, so i had to put it in a poem.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

I enjoy writing this story and I dont want anything in it that i am not happy with. Hope you enjoy the cliffhanger although i may get around to writing the 11th chapter within the next two hours... it is getting rather late.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

I did manage to get the 11th chapter compleated but i am retireing to sleep after posting this. I present to you chapter 11.

 

Chapter 11 – Rollercoaster

 

Saraph departs the hall clutching at the fleeing shadows that remain of his dreams. When he passes under the archway Andras turns back to the councillor.

“May I inquire as to the reason behind declining him sponsorship?”

The councillor looks and Andras and nods once “I understand your reasons for bringing him before me, and yes I realise his ability, but you must remember that apprentices have proven themselves on two fronts. Ability and Loyalty. Yes he may have shown a higher than normal ability but we have no proof of his loyalty to the shaper cause.” The councillor pauses in thought for a moment. “May I ask where exactly you met Saraph?”

“He was the son of a farmer at rocky point. I was on my way to check on Ayden.” Andras states this without emotion. The councillor thinks upon something for a moment.

“I have some sad news to impart upon you. About two days ago I received a report from a reliable source that Rocky Point was overrun by a large rogue swarm. I didn’t trust this totally, after all a shaper was put in charge of the settlement. I sent a wingbolt out immediately after hearing the report. It returned late last night confirming the destruction. It is unlikely that there are any survivors.” The councillor’s face is contorted with sadness and regret.

“Councillor Rasham, I ask of you to be merciful to Saraph. He has no family, no home, and nothing to return to. If you would but sponsor him I will take full responsibility for his actions.” Andras has said all he can, to say anything more would jeopardise Saraph’s chances further. It’s up to the councillor what to do with Saraph. The councillor thinks for many minutes.

“Saraph!” The councillor’s voice is projected outwards, it is not a shout but it travels far enough for Saraph’s ears to detect.

 

Saraph hears his name and stands up all emotion drained from his features. He drags his feet forward as if walking towards his execution block. He travels under the archway and slowly proceeds towards Andras and the councillor. Feet feeling like lead weights he manages to arrive in front of the councillor.

“After a lengthy discussion with Andras, I have decided that I made a misjudgement earlier. I will gladly sponsor you to study to become a shaper. A squadron of wingbolts will be setting off tomorrow to deliver supplies to the Greenwood Shaping Academy, and you will travel with them.” Saraph can do nothing. His body frozen in shock and his mind unable to think. Suddenly his mind races trying to catch up with the rollercoaster of emotions that are flitting through his body and mind. His dreams that, twenty minutes ago, were shattered suddenly fly back together and burst into a cacophony of celebrations. His face cracks into a beaming grin as his mind catches up.

 

Andras passes Saraph a pouch of coins and instructs him to go to the tailors and ask for two basic sets of apprentice robes. Saraph looks quizzically at Andras.

“They will know what you mean.” Andras winks and also pulls a key from his robe and hands it to Saraph. “Once you have done that return to my house and wait for me there.” Saraph takes the pouch and keys, Bows once to the councillor and departs feeling a strange urge to skip down the corridor, He fights against the urge and manages to walk from the keep. Saraph walks along the main road from the citadel to the exit gate until he finds a tailor. As he enters the shop a bell above his head tinkles announcing his presence. The shop is large and has racks situated around the room with twelve wooden stools aligned throughout the shop floor. A small cheery woman approaches Saraph and asks if she can help. Saraph tries to remember Andras’ instructions.

“I need two basic sets of apprentice robes please.” Saraph manages to force the words out through his unbreakable grin. The tailor leads Saraph to a stool and gathers up two robes from a rack at the side of the shop. She instructs Saraph to put one on and once Saraph had donned the robe she started altering and fitting it. After the first robe was suitably fit to Saraph’s slim build she repeated the process with the second. After a couple of hours Saraph steps down from the stool and hands over the required coins to pay for them. He gathers up the robes and returns to Andras’ house and, still grinning, starts to wait for Andras.

[Olympian9]

Some tiny grammar mistakes but otherwise perfect, this story is awesome. I like how as the story progresses so do the creations. A few things in the post you might want to change, if it is okay with you, is that you could call the armor store an armory, also write Saraph instead of seraph in the 6th paragraph, capitalize the shop name golden stitches (great idea making a tailors shop). Besides those this story is great. I can't wait for more!

 

P.S How come Shaper Andras summoned roamers on the way to the citadel instead of kyshakks or wingbolts?

[Olympian9]

Oh dang i was reading the first page and thought that was the end and responded to chapter 9! oops.

[Olympian9]

Chapter 10 Review

Oh this is what I call good! The descriptions a excellent and I love the way it flows. I recommend making indivisual (my spelling is terrible) mini paragraphs for each time someone speaks because it is sort of hard to read when every thing they say is all mushed up. Otherwise its great!

[Drakon Sssharxx]

To my knowlege an armoury is where wepons are stored not sold so i think armour store is more apropriate unless I have it wrong and someone could correct me.

 

Andras states that he has no essence left after passing the farming village which indicates that earlier he was conserveing essence for an emergancy.

 

I am unable to locate my mispelling of Saraph on this page but will search my others. I appritiate you pointing this out i am trying my hardest to notice the mistakes I make but after all I am only human. (Damnit if only I were a Drakon!)

 

I am retireing to sleep now though as two chapters a day is my limit. I will try to get one chapter to you everyday but sometimes I will be too busy.

 

I type it up in word so as i tansfer it across the layout is all messed up it takes me a minute or so to sort it out to that standard. I apolagise for the speach to be complicated to read but when I finish this book i will convert it to a PDF document. The layout will then contain the various text indents before the paragraphs and speach as you cannot indent paragraphs and such on this forum.

 

Sharx

[Olympian9]

Chapter 11 Review

This chapter is also superb! The cliff hanger before was awesome and when you described his joy of becoming an apprentice it was excellent. Good idea of pulling Greenwood Academy out of the Geneforge series. I can't wait for more about what they do in training but I imagine it will be in rooms with runic platforms and pools of essence on both sides, fighting halls where warriors clash, and magic rooms with pools of energy at the sides where magic is used against dummies. Then again you can go back the G3 and base the academy out of the real one in G3. Also what color are the robes? And wouldn't you choose a daryk instead of a drakon? I love this forum!

[Artemis~]

I LOVE the climax. When the councellor denied Saraph the first time, I almost fainted! I didn't catch any more grammar mistakes. And no, Drakons are definately better.

 

I remember wrinting an article on Greenwood Academy on Danette's Library.

 

Here's the link:

 

http://calref.co.cc/gfwiki/index.php/Main_Page

 

just type in "Greenwood Academy" in the search box on the left hand side.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Thank you for the link i'm sure it will help a lot. I have a transition chapter before I even think about arriveing at the school, I havent fantasised about it enough yet. Will set to work on chapter 12? I think i'm up to chapter 12 lol.

[Artemis~]

When low on insperation, read over the last chapter you wrote. I dont know why, but it helps.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

I do that before any chapter, its not that im low on inspiration, its the fact that when im doing tasks in real life that require little thought I imagine parts of the next Important chapter.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Hear is the 12th chapter. Enjoy.

 

Chapter 12 – Departure

 

Saraph wakes early the next morning. It takes him a moment to realise the last two weeks weren’t a dream. When he does his face brightens up. He is surprised he slept at all last night after all the excitement and anticipation. Andras returned from the citadel late yesterday afternoon, he handed Saraph his forms for apprenticeship signed by Councillor Rasham. Andras then went and got a rucksack from somewhere in the house and packed Saraph’s robes and a few various pods. Andras also packed his own rucksack explaining to Saraph that he will not be able to see him off as he has been set a mission and must depart tomorrow morning also. Saraph enquired why his robes were black, everyone else’s he has seen have a colour to them. Andras replied that the shapers use a colour system for apprentices, when you become a full shaper it no longer matters. The academy will evaluate you and assign you a colour accordingly. Saraph went to bed early that night but spent most of the night tossing and turning.

 

Saraph leaps out of bed and finds a pile of thick, heavy clothing at the foot of his bed. He pulls on the pants and tunic but finds that he already starts to burn up so he throws the robe over his arm and hurries downstairs. As he passes by a window he looks out, it is sunrise. Saraph has two hours to get to the citadel rooftop. He arrives in the dining room and digs into his breakfast with haste. Once finished he stands up nd thanks Andras for everything he has done. He bids Andras farewell and throws on the thick robe and walks to the front door. He grabs his pack and shoulders it walking out the door onto the street.

 

Saraph near enough runs down the street to the citadel gates where he is stopped by a guard.

“I need to see Proof of entry.” The guard slurs in a patronising tone. Saraph pulls his apprentice forms out the inside of his robes and hands them to the guard. The guard inspects them closely then straightens up and hands them back bowing slightly. Saraph asks how he can get to the rooftop. The guard replies in a more crisp tone now as he describes the way up to the rooftops. Saraph follows the guard’s directions and turns off the main corridor and up the stairs all the way to the top. By the time Saraph reaches the top he his hot and breathless, he takes a minute to recover before walking out onto the rooftop.

 

Saraph sees thirteen wingbolts, lined up in twos except for one in the middle on its own. The wingbolt in the middle has no kit being strapped to it, instead it has a saddle. Saraph is approached by one of the people loading the wingbolts.

“Ah the lone apprentice, strap your gear onto the back of the wingbolts saddle and take a seat we’ll have them packed within the next ten minutes. Oh and don’t forget to strap your legs in.” As the woman speaks she points towards the wingbolt with the saddle. Saraph approaches it and ties his pack onto the back of the saddle and proceeds to mount up. He straps his legs into the leg bindings so that he wont fall off and waits nervously, he has never flown before. The woman comes up to him again, she seems to have noticed Saraph’s discomfort.

“Don’t worry, the wingbolts know where they’re going all you have to do is control your stomach.” Saraph is relived he doesn’t have to steer it but is still a bit nervous about flying.

 

After about five minutes a man shouts that the wingbolts are packed and ready. Saraph remembers Andras’ words from yesterday. ‘The journey should only take about four or five hours by wingbolt’. The woman gives the order for the wingbolts to go. The first two wingbolts move forward, they approach the edge of the rooftop. They do not slow down and proceed to slide off the edge of the building. Saraph does not see them fly back up again as the second pair of wingbolts slide off the edge. The third pair of wingbolts also disappear, now it is Saraph’s turn. The wingbolt moves beneath him, it slides forwards towards the edge and balances there a moment before lifting its tail and sliding off the edge as well.

 

[Artemis~]

That's very creative, having them travel by wingbolt. on the second to last paragraph, second to last sentence [irony, i know] there should be a comma after "Don't worry," The story doenst say if the woman is traveling with him or not, but other then that, I await the next chapter.

[Drakon Sssharxx]

Sorry I thought it was clear that he was travelling alone due to the fact there was only one saddled wingbolt. It's kindof an emergancy transport and not many people fly on the back of wingbolts. Im useing them as transport for supplies mainly.

[Lord Iraelithe]

Excellent story, OK your like, amazing. Whats scary is you've inspired me to continue writing the book that I WAS writing but then I stopped, and secondly, Reading this has made me want to play geneforge, it sounds amazing, so ar I only play exile, I dont rly like the remakes, btw if u dont want any character requests just stop reading this, but otherwise, Could you make a Shaper named Iraelithe? (I love that name, whenever I play an rpg or mmorpg my characters names are always Iraelithe.)

[Artemis~]

see that, Drakon Sssharxx? You've inspired a bunch of weirdos! You should feel acomplished!

[Drakon Sssharxx]

I'm rather glad that it has inspired people to play Geneforge. It is a good game, and we are not weirdos, we are the socially unaccepted

 

Would it be possible to get a pronunctiation breakdown of that name bob? I can't seem to get it to roll off my tongue.

 

Thanks for the comments, just planned chapter 13? I can't seem to remember the chapter im up to hehe. Anyway whichever one I am up to I have just planned it and am about to start writing it.

 

Sharx

 

P.S. Call me Sharx its much easier than my display name

 

P.P.S. Welcome to the boards Necromancer Bob.

[Artemis~]

phew it took me a while to count the s'.

its pronounce eye-ray-lith i'm pretty sure.

you've encouraged me to write again, not just play geneforge, cause i've played all of them.