Jump to content

my fanfiction


Recommended Posts

Chapter one. Incarceration

 

"Throw him into the Cell!!" The guard captain yelled and the guards under his command threw the man into the cell as ordered. "i cant wait till tomorrow! we are going to make you Sing!"

The prisoner never said a word, he didnt even move until the guards all left him in the cell.

The prisoner was average height and a quite muscular build, the muscles in his arms seemed to try to bulge out of his skin, he had long black hair down to his neck and his eyes seemed to dance between blue and yellow,

His name was Lucifer, a name which suited him as he has fallen just as far from gods favor as the angel had....

 

This was an era after the great rebellion against the shapers, the remaining drakons hunted down and most drayks, although, after the shapers saw the usefulness of some of theese creatures, some were allowed to live to work in forges and the like, it was a time of great confusion, alot of rogues still wandering the roads and woods, the dreaded spawners still creating waves of vile creatures,the last of the organised travokites destroyed and the last of the dreaded unbound destroyed also, yet through all this lifecrafters, shaper prospectives and the like were still all uncontrolled by shapers so they all formed little magic filled chambers like their own testing halls.. to bring more people to their "sect" the shapers seeing the usefulness of theese also complexs guaranteed the "rogue" shapers their lives to keep theese halls open on the two conditions, One that the people there answer to the shaper council and two, no art that hasnt been fully allowed by the shaper council can not be taught to prospectives, and that all prospectives had to be cleared and checked before proceeding. despite all the celebrations and freedoms people still turned to brigantry and highway robbery, the world was still in turmoil.

 

 

As he sat in his dark cell he stared wordlessy at the red raptor infront of him, also known as a fyora, it is a fire creature created by the shapers, as it breaths out it can mix fire from the flame glands in its throut into the breath to make a fireball to launch at its enemies. he noticed with slight amusement and confusion that he could make it do almost anything he wanted it to, without words.. exept free him, so he amused himself by making it sway side to side till it fell over.

After the thud of the fyora finally falling over he nodded with a smile then continued his solemn train of thought, he was deemed unfit to become a shaper cause of a mental apptitude lack or some lies like that, the truth was the servant mind at the nearby halls didnt like him or his family cause of a previous magic backfire which hurt the mind so he was deemed unworthy and when he reacted he was thrown here. outwardly it looked as if he radiated calm but inside he was fuming, "How dare that mind deny me.. i will destroy it.." he thought. he was suddenly shaken out of this thought when he noticed his hands and arms were glowing red with his anger.. it took some mental discipline to calm himself till he dulled down again.

A few minutes later he heard the clank and grind of a locked door being opened, he heard a few brief noises from outside before it was closed again, a shout, a kid laughing, the growl of a creation. He recognised the sounds of a town. A servile walked in and passed a plate of food to everyone till it made it to Lucifer, Then as it passed the plate of food it whispered, "i have heard of you, dont worry we will not be here long." then walked off..

Lucifer sat contemplating this, it was almost painfully obvious that that servile was one of the so called "smart" serviles, what it was doing serving food to prisoners was also obvious.. gathering information. but what on? and who for? what is down here to interest someone? He knew nothing outside of this cell and the path to it. Even as all this raged through his head he sat almost deathly still, the only parts of his body moving was his arm and mouth.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

An interesting beginning, very much like the standard Geneforge opening (which was probably your intention). It's a bit too early to comment on the story- although I highly encourage you to keep writing. I'd like to see where it goes. The flyoras are certainly interesting.

 

I'd also like to offer you some tips as a fellow self-taught author. I've hidden them if you don't want to see them, because they might seem kind of harsh (they're not. I offer them in the purest hope of encouraging and improving your craft). I'm not a professor or anything, so don't accept them as gospel, but...things to keep in mind.

Click to reveal..
  • Please, please, please use proper spelling and grammar. I'm not saying that you need to stop and correct things while you write, and it doesn't really hurt your story, but it just makes things easier all around. Most word processing programs have a spelling/grammar check built in that helps you catch things like capital letters. Google Documents is free, and I believe it has all the features you'd need.

     

    Also, please take the time to type out complete words. It's a story, not a text message. You can take your time with it.

  • Syntax (the way your sentences are constructed) is also important. A lot of sentences in your story are extremely long and rambling. They don't have to conform to all grammatical laws, but they should make sense. It's not something that comes easily to everyone, but as a general rule of thumb, try reading a sentence you just wrote out loud (and remember that a comma is a brief pause, not a full breath). It it sounds stilted, rambling, or otherwise unnatural, maybe you should edit it. If it contains more than one big idea, it should probably be broken up.
  • Stylistically, some variety in word choice is good. Repeated use of terms 'he,' 'the prisoner,' and so on often comes across as unnatural.
  • Again, stylistically speaking, descriptions are good. They don't have to be long- purple prose is worse than nothing- but it should be enough that the reader can get an idea of what things look like. We, as fans, might know what a fyora looks like, but it's bad form to assume things like that. Try to work descriptions into the flow of the narrative, rather than dropping them in as big blocks of text.
  • When writing, try not to get hung up on minor points like descriptions or word choices. Just put down something and keep writing- you can always come back and fix it later.
  • For longer stories, I find that a rough outline is very useful- otherwise, I tend to write myself into a corner.
  • Above all, keep writing! Practice makes perfect is NOT a cliche, and that's especially evident in writing. Look back at your older work and see how much you've improved. Keep writing, and you'll get better yet. Read anything you can get your hands on. Critique other's work, and let them critique your own. But above all, write.

 

I hope you find my comments were helpful. Please don't be offended- if you are, as you say, just starting as a writer, it was a very good start, and I encourage you again to continue.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Chapter 2

welcome or unwelcome?

 

Later that night lucifer awoke to a loud growl and then a bang, the door to the prison was blown open, in a cloud of flame and blood, probably the work of an exploding creation, through the smoke the same servile walked in with a seemingly female shaper wearing dark blue robes and holding a long thin sword in her hand. the servile was carrying a dagger in one hand and a shortsword in the other, both covered in dark red blood. The shaper walked up to the fyora infront of lucifer and swiftly unmade it with a wave of a hand, she then turned to lucifer.

"hello, ive been told you know a bit about magic and how to fight?" the shaper asked lucifer.

"yeah a bit, not much tho. just simple fireballs and how to swing a sword." lucifer answered his voice slighty croaky and raspy from lack of use.

"Good we are going to need your help." The shaper told him unlocking the door by aiming a small fireball into the lock, melting it till it opened.

"what with?" Lucifer inquired moving to stand up.

"Rogues, the entire towns creations are running rampart." the shaper said extending a hand, helping lucifer up.

"how did they turn rogue?" lucifer asked walking over to the closet that he saw had clothes the other day.

"We dont know. one second they were under control then the next.." the shaper broke off, as a roamer lept down the stairs at her, in a few quick movements she shaped a ball of acid and fired it at the roamer, the roamer ran away howling in pain. "when i find out who did this..."

As this was going on lucifer was going through what clothes to wear, he saw something that caught his eye tho.. it looked to be a simple black robe with a hood, but lucifer noticed that when shown to the light it glowed slightly.

"well it seems today is your lucky day.. what was your name again?"The shaper said.

"lucifer, Lucifer Ahriman." Lucifer said extending his hand to the shaper.

"Pleased to meet you, Im Mariaan."the shaper replied shaking hands with lucifer.

Lucifer turned to the servile,"do you have a name? and can i have that shortsword?" he asked.

handing the sword to lucifer the servile replied,"i am Ding"

"thank you Ding." lucifer said.

Mariaan turned to the door and walked out, Ding and Lucifer following her.

 

AS they walked out the door lucifer took his first look at the sky for the first time for a long time, he saw that he was inside a large city, with a castle that would of been majestic if it wasnt on fire to the north. and he saw what seemed like a flying raptor... but it was white with blue stripes on its stomach and it had wings, Mariaan noticing his confusion said

"a modified variant of the fyora of course, we call them the flyora, all we really did was add a pair of wings, simple modification." as she said this the flyoras broke off and flew straight towards them, lucifer started to shape out a fireball, building it stronger and stronger and held it in his hand waiting, as the flyoras blew a burst of flame at them Mariaan ducked behind a essense shield, Ding attempted to leap out the way but an errant wind send alot of the fire towards him, lucifer could do nothing to escape the flame so he stood perfectly still, waiting for the agony of the flame searing his flesh from bone, tho when it came it was surprisingly warm, as the flyora flew directly above him he fired his ball of flame right into its underbelly. The flyora screeched in pain and fell from the sky, Lucifer walked up and killed it by stabbing it in the neck and then watched as it quicky turned into a puddle of goo and blood, the essense used to create it and hold it together dispersing.

He then turned around to talk to Mariaan, and he stares aghast at Ding, his face and arms are entirely burned. yet Ding didnt even make a grunt of pain, he simply put out the remains of the fire on his cloak and lifted the remains of his hood over his head.

"hmm, those robes of yours must have somehow been infused with fire, today is definitly your lucky day, if it wasnt for that you would be burned to a cinder, me and Ding are going to clear the southern part of town, you go north to the castle and attempt to help there, if anyone asks just say your with me." mariaan explained then turned and walked off, Ding following her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Chapter 3

Blood and Fire

 

When Lucifer arrived at the castle he was aghast at what he saw, broken bodies, blood and fire everywhere.

As he walked through the remains of the main gate he saw a group of guards struggling to fight off a giant apelike creature, it had 2 massive arms that were as half as thick as his waist and stood almost twice his height, the creature was also covered all over with a thick red fur. Lucifer recognised this as a battle alpha, the shock trooper of the shapers, and this one was clearly rogue. Lucifer once again started to conjure up a fireball but didnt stop walking up towards the fight, when he got close enough he shouted"move out the way!"

The guards noticed his shout and the fireball and all quickly and deftly left an opening for him, Using the space he had he gave his fireball one last quick charge and flung his hands towards the alpha, the fireball leaving his fingers and flying towards the alpha. The smell of burning fur wafted through the room as the fireball connected with the alpha's chest, As the alpha howled in pain the guards quickly pounced on it, hacking and slashing till the beast fell down with a loud crash. one of the guards wiped his blade on the creatures arm and then sheathed the blade, he then walked over to lucifer and shook his hand saying, "thanks for the assist, names Duraid, can we borrow your heap for awhile?, theres a group of rogues hiding in there and we need some help smoking them out."

"no problem, my name is lucifer for further reference,."

"ok, thanks again." then turning to the rabble of guards behind him,"Alright listen up! our job is to clear out these rogues from our home!, Lucifer here will assist us anyway he can!, you Marukus! you head out ahead and scout ahead for us, nilmeth,chase! you two i want on flanks and lucifer and me will take the front!, keep it tight and keep it clean!, any trouble shout out!, Right lets Moooove OUT!".

 

As the group moved through the hallways there came a shout from ahead and then a roar, hurrying Lucifer,Duraid and his guards ran down the corridor and entered the remains of a shaping labratory, and in the middle was the their lead scout and what seemed to be a large dragon standing on all four with black scales all over its body and red eyes, then to their absolute surprise it started to stand up onto its hind legs.

"DRAKON!" Screamed Duraid and drew his sword.

The group of guards started to surround the drakon, staying out of claws reach and keeping their shield over their head and chest incase the drakon started to breath out fire.

Then the drakon roared and lunged at one of the guards, tearing his sword and shield from his hands,roaring it then thrw him to the side of the room, his body smashing into a table full of shaping equipment.

The drakon then turned to lucifer, its eyes boring into his, and lucifer saw that this particular drakon is nothing more than a mere beast, so he attempted what no other has tried, to tame a drakon, he felt for its brain, showering it in vision of harmony and control, this calmed the beast long enough for duraid to sneak behind it and slash its head off with his sword. the drakon's body then fell to the ground with an earthshaking crunch.

Duraid then turned to lucifer with a new respect in his eyes.

"that is something ive never ever seen done, calming a Drakon!, my Master Sareth will definitly hear of this!" Duraid exclaimed excitedly but then his face turned sour."but this is my masters castle, and he will have to account to why a drakon is here."

"he better have a good reason, drakons are barred in everyway, even collecting a drakon scale has to be allowed at the highest levels."

"indeed."Duraid answered, crouching over the body of his fallen comrade, then standing up started shouting orders.

"Chase! take Marukus's body outside for me!, Nilmeth u help!, me and lucifer are going up to my masters chambers to see if he needs any assistance!, MOVE OUT!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Did you base Lucifer's last name on the Aveyond series, just wondering because I liked the first game laugh. Seems to me you've been reading the other fan fiction and came up with Sareth, an oddly similar name to Saraph.

 

Why couldn't he control the fyora in the beginning to free him? If he could control the fyora anyway he'd like to, what was stopping him from freeing himself?

 

I thought your story was okay, but the spelling and capitalization distracted me from the story a couple of times.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

huh? i based lucifers name after the fallen angel lucifer, i hadnt read that story with saraph*who wrote it and where is it?**i actually stole that name off of dark messiah, might and magic*, and the reason he couldnt control the fyora to free him was the fyora had a prior command from its master to NOT do that, the master just didnt bother w ith any other orders, thx Geneforgeisformeyukkyu smile

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello. I also started out like you have, not the same story elements but the same mistakes and writing ability. Listen what these people have to say as "the reader is usually right".

 

If you're looking for an example try reading my geneforge story. It's long and takes a few chapters to get into things, but I think you can get some ideas on how to structure your story. you may even get some ideas to use in it.

 

I have one question though, why did you create the flyora when there are already wingbolts? Would it not have been nicer to provide a discription of a wingbolt then suprise the reader (and Lucifer) with a realisation that it had been modified to shoot fire? I like unseen changes to creations because they allow for so much turmoil.

 

Anyway, you can find my story here

 

Hope you keep writing and I do hope you improve the readability (grammer, punctuation, spelling and spaceing.

 

Sharx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Originally Posted By: Wingnut
huh? i based lucifers name after the fallen angel lucifer, i hadnt read that story with saraph*who wrote it and where is it?**i actually stole that name off of dark messiah, might and magic*, and the reason he couldnt control the fyora to free him was the fyora had a prior command from its master to NOT do that, the master just didnt bother with any other orders, thx Geneforgeisformeyukkyu smile


I meant the last name, Ahriman, and is Lucifer evil/good or what? He seems like an enigma to me, for now.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 8 months later...

Its been so long, i havent played Geneforge for almost 2 years now, But i had almost finished what may be the last chapter to this story..

i thought it needed some ending of some sort... i needed to finish this...

 

so here it is ladies and gentleman, no big hoorah, no fireworks. just my ending

 

Chapter 4

Secrets or lies

 

Duraid and Lucifer walked through the great hall of the castle, now sootstained and covered in blood in places most of the rogues already defeated, the

 

noises of battle slowely recceding, as they were about to enter Sareths quarters they heard a shout behind them, as they turned they saw Mariaan jogging up

 

to them.

"well your alive and in one piece it seems, good job."Mariaan said to Lucifer with a pleasant smile. "now we just have to clean up the last few rogues and

 

then find out who caused this."

"we are going to sareths quarters to find out why he had a pet drakon." explained Duraid with a sarcastic tone in his voice.

"A What!?"

Lucifer and Duraid proceeded to tell her the story of the fight with the drakon. Her composture temporarily broke into one of confusion and disbelief when

 

Duraid told her that Lucifer calmed the drakon.

"but such a thing is unheard of, ever since the first drakon they have always been completly rogue, completly uncontrollable." she replied musing over this.

 

"anyway now is not the time, letsgo see if Sareth needs help, cause if not, then he's going to need it anyway when the council find out about this!" at that

 

she walked between the two towards Sareths quarters, Lucifer and Duriad looked at eachother and shrugged in unison and followed her.

 

As they entered Sareth's sleeping quarters Lucifer paused to take stock of what surrounded him, There were jars of what seemed to be creation parts on a

 

shelf on the left of the rather spacious rectangular room, at the far back right was a finely adorned bed and a small bedside cabinet with a glowing fungi

 

lamp on it. and in the middle of the room was a rather obese man slumped against the wall with claw marks along his arms and chest, the once fine cloth of

 

his robes now torn and tattered.

Mariaan walked up to him and waved her hand over his chest.

"He's still alive, just enough for me to save him." she said, starting to wave her hands over his chest, carefully knitting and repairing the damaged tissue,

 

using her own essence and energy to weave it together, then letting that essense retreat when the tissue can hold itself.

He then stirred.

"WHat happened to you sir?" Duraid enquired straight away.

"GET IT OFF ME!" screamed Sareth, huddling himself as much as his rather large girth would allow, then as suddenly as he screamed he slumped back into

 

unconsiousness.

"well.. that was... Different." started Lucifer.

"indeed, theese scratch marks seem to be from a drayk claw, but this many claw marks?" mariaan said shaking her head."I dont think this was drayk. usually a

 

drayk would kill by biting or burning its enemies, not clawing them to death."

"hmm" Lucifer mused over this.

"Duraid you go and get some of your men to help me lift Sareth out of here and into a cell, he still has to account for His Drakon."

"as you wish." and Duraid walked off leaving Lucifer with Mariaan.

"I never got to ask you, why were you in that cell?"

"i wanted to become a shaper apprentice, but the servile mind deemed me unfit, it only said that because my father had injured it during a magic backfire."

"well ive seen enough evidence that you have quite enough skill to rank quite high in the shaper order, and you havent even gone through training yet! I

 

shall Bring you to the Shaper Council to request for you to be Indoctrinated as a Apprentice."

Lucifer smiled and followed Mariaan out..

 

 

 

as you can see, it was set out when i was overambitious about my writing skills, it is written as if it isnt the end..

 

But to me it is

 

Goodbye Geneforge

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...