The Avernite 4 Christmas

[Synergy]

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN EXILE (Mommy, what’s “night?”)

 

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the green-glowing, fungus-infested house

Not a creature was stirring, except for a mouse (a giant-sized, irritated, pustulent one at that);

Empty scabbards were hung by the chimney with care

In hopes that Radiant Blades soon would be there;

 

Four adventurers were nestled all snug in their Geyser Inn beds,

While visions of Action Point-granting body-armor danced in their heads;

And my priest in her Magi Robe, and I in my Thought Cap,

Had just settled down for a brief Adventurer's power-nap,

 

When out on the stalagmites (or is it stalactites—I can never remember which) there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the (compressed mushroom meal) bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the (carbonized mushroom meal) window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the (mayor’s) sash. (Eww, gross!)

 

The green mushroom moonlight on the breast of the new-fallen foe (He really shouldn’t have insulted my Clover Boots like that)

Gave the lustre of mid-night to the bat droppings below,

When, what to my (slightly bloodshot from too much mushroom ale) eyes should appear,

But an oversized Geneforge boat, and eight giant domesticated lizards (full of mushroom-meal beer),

 

With a little old driver, so demented and sick,

I knew in a moment it must be Dead Patrick.

More rapid than Frenzied Chitrachs his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

 

"Now, Crusher! now, Duncer! now, Lancer and Pigpen!

On, Vomit! on Stupid! on, Blunder and Blitzed-Again!

To the top of the elevationless cave! to the top of the secretless wall!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

 

As dry leaves (leaves, what are those?) that before dragon breath fly,

When they meet with an obstacle (like my Jade Halberd), mount to the sky,

So up to the house-top the lizards they flew (I guess they’re drakes),

With the Geneforged boat full of Diamond Spray wands, and Dead Patrick too.

 

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the garbage pile

My mates lancing and skewering each pesky reptile.

As I drew my (12-33) Oozing Blade in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the chimney Dead Patrick came like a frog, er—hellhound.

 

He was dressed all in Poor Fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with mushroom-hued soot;

A bundle of potions he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a Slightly Expensive™ peddler just opening his pack.

 

His eyes -- how they squinted! his dimples how muddy!

His cheeks were like Graymold, his nose a bit ruddy (more mushroom ale)

His droll little mouth was drawn up like an Ebony Bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as bat guano;

 

The stump of a mushroom he held tight in both teeth,

And the smoke encircled his head like an Icy Rain wreath;

He had a broadsword smile and a little round belly (rare ‘round here),

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of Gaseous Goo jelly.

 

He was listless and pale, a right sorry old Avernite,

And I laughed when I saw him, this wraith in the night;

The sink of his eye and the list of his head,

Soon gave me to know soon again he’d be dead;

 

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his task,

And filled all the stockings with a Knowledge Brew flask,

And laying his finger full into his nose,

And giving a flick, up the chimney he rose;

 

He sprang to his Geneforge boat, to his team gave a whistle,

But they no longer harkened, as we’d carved them to gristle.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he stumbled out of sight,

"Curse you Adventurers, and to all a good blight."

[Ephesos]

(applause)

 

Wow. How long did that take?

[Synergy]

Googling the original poem? Ten seconds.

Bastardizing the sacred text? Sixty minutes.

Enjoying the mutated results? Timeless.

 

I sent it to Jeffy as a stocking stuffer.

[Iluvhorses]

Good job, well done I'm sure Jeff will like it!

[Alorael at Large]

Huzzah! Merry Icefallmas!

 

—Alorael, who is impressed. He hopes you get a lump of Lovely Crystal in your stocking!

[Slith Lord]

That´s a really good and interesting text, must have been a slimy original.

[the horned slayer]

(clapping applause, cheering, they all stand up and carry you to the gas station and buy you 50 billion powerball tickets to make you sure you win

on the news, this just in some guy on spiderweb software boards is a genius!!!!!!!!

here have a trophy, have another trophey!!

 

okay, enough with the appluase

 

seriously, dude that was great!

[Synergy]

Actually, I'd be even happier if they just gave me the money they spent buying 50 billion powerball tickets.

[Actaeon]

Well put together though it was, I doubt anyone would actually pay you for it. How did Jeff like it?

[Synergy]

Quote:

Originally written by Cirion:
Well put together though it was, I doubt anyone would actually pay you for it.

It was a labor of love. Free of charge to the motley and multitudinous denizens of Spiderweb. And remember—you get what you pay for.

Quote:

How did Jeff like it?

I'm not sure. I think he has had better things to do with his Christmas so far. If his response is amusing enough, I'll post it here when I get it.

[Actaeon]

What... Someone on the planet actually has something better to do on Christmas rather than sulk around the Spiderweb Software boards and read Avernite Christmas? I've been living my life all wrong! *goes into corner to examine where he went wrong*.

[Synergy]

And one of us even had time to write the thing.

 

Here is Jeff's reply, which showed up today:

 

"Heh, that's fun. Did you post it to the boards?"

[RAmpaGE]

Quote:

Originally written by Synergy:
Here is Jeff's reply, which showed up today:

"Heh, that's fun. Did you post it to the boards?"

... which tells a lot about where is all the criticism on Avernum 4 going to.

Oh well.

RAmpaGE couldn't care less. He just loves to hear his pretty voice echoing through the caves.