Euroclydon

Actually, the above was not my first post. I didn't - don't - want my post to be linked to my primary online persona. The internet is forever, and this is the kind of thing I want to share with my friends and peers, NOT anybody who might google me over the next 20 years. I wanted simply to share my state of mind. After this thread dries up, I will lay this account to rest. Reading my earlier post back, I definitely would not write it like that again. The "nothingness" is absolutely depression, and I'm constantly apathetic, and apathetically contemplative of suicide. I don't think I'll act on it - certainly not in the immediate future - though I don't know how much of that is down to my own feelings of apathy and guilt. Mostly, I just isolate myself completely and sleep for several days. An absolutely tangible sense of hopelessness haunts my consciousness. The thing that brings me down most, though, is that I know that I think differently now. I've been depressed, or sad, or whichever, for years, but I always had a sense of who I was, even when I evolved naturally. Now, when I think, I sound different in my head; when I write and look back on my writings, my tone and style are not my own. I'll stop there, anyway. I spent too long time working on this post already. Sorry to hijack the thread from the discussion of medicines and treatments. I wasn't happy (ha!) with how I left my post before. .

I've been somewhat sad for a while, probably as long as I can remember. Not sad, actually; it's more that I have a wedge of nothingness lodged inside my mind that often causes sadness. It's tiring, mostly. I'm always tired and slowly my waking hours grow reduced, whilst I can sleep almost at any hour for any length of time. I went to see a doctor once - about my lethargy - and she said that it was likely due to diet. My diet probably doesn't help my problems, but when my budget can only just stretch to a loaf of bread, milk, and a little tea there's not much I can do about that. I work, and I try to act happier in my interactions with my colleagues and the public, though inside I am just miserable. I get anxious a lot, at work, and because my job isn't challenging my mind often finds itself circling the nothing that is wedged inside my mind. I've spent the last 18 months trying to find a more rewarding job. I just want to do something that'll utilise the degree I fought really hard to earn, but I'm convinced that I picked the wrong subject, or that - worse - the mental effort it took to complete a degree, whilst working full time with all this nothingness crammed inside me, was just too much. Certainly, at times, it feels like too much to even get dressed. Unfortunately, I also feel guilty fairly often. Guilty that I have an education, and that I'm bright. Guilty that I can't use those gifts to help other people. Guilty that what little I've got would be better spent making other people's lives better. When I'm sad or empty - I'm empty more often than sad - it's crap. When I feel guilty, its worse. Sometimes I'm pretty good, though. I can be happy, or have moments where I'm alright at least. These are rarer, and it's hard for my friends, and my partner, who are either exhausted by me, or who just think I'm moody. It's just such an effort though, not to let my mind go to the nothing, the sinking feeling, because if I do that I don't get out of bed. If I do that, I feel tears welling up, and then I have to think of something else - even if that something else is nothing. Even thinking about nothing is something, and that's better than the nothingness that's locked inside my brain. I'm not sure this is how I'd choose to write this if I were to sit and write it again, but it's certainly how I'm feeling right now. I think most of the time, I'd just consider that me, and being myself isn't the worst thing. For the last two or three weeks, though, I've been infinitely worse. I sort of have lulls, where I'm alright for a stretch of a few weeks - never good, but good enough - but after those, I'm worse than the last time. I'd consider speaking to another doctor, but I don't know if I've the energy. I actually feel better for saying something, even if it is in writing, and even if it's anonymously. I am only somewhat saddened that I had to waste this account's first post on this, as it isn't quite the handle I'd want.