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Best puns and jokes.


Trenton.

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Hey there, Randomizer,

I like the new signature. It Pervectly reflects well on your Aahztonishing ability to navigate through a multitude of Demontions. Just keep a tight grip on your D-Hopper, or your apprentice may Skeeve a step and leave you stranded in a Bazaar situation. Give Guido and Luigi my regards.

 

For those people wondering what I said, I prescribe you take 2 R.L. Aspirins and post me in the morning.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Harehunter goes to market.

 

One fair morning a fair time ago, the Harehunter walked into his kitchen to break his fast. However, when he opened his hutch for his breakfast salad, he was surprised to discover that it was gone! Then he remembered that he had had a hankering for a snack the night before, and had finished it off.

 

"Well," he said to himself, "Self, if we want any lettuce leaf for breakfast then let us leave now to pick some." and he headed out the door.

 

It was spring and the previous nights shower had washed the March air crisp and clean. A marching tune popped into the Harehunter's head, and as he sang the lyrics, the rhythm went straight to his feet. As he approached a Random Factor, the Factor remarked, "Look at the March Hare marching in the March air, singing a marching aire."

 

Further down the road, Harehunter passed by a bypass that was full of passers-by who were passing their good byes to each other.

 

Finally, the Harehunter saw the tents of the bazaar. In the first tent, the tennant was peering intently at a monkey's paw.

The monkey's son piped up, "Why are you staring at my pa's paw?"

The seer said "Surely you can see I am seeking to see his future."

"You're nothing more than a charlatan. And don't call me Shirley."

The younger monkey tugged at his pa's elbow. "Come on pa. You don't want to be this seer's sucker. It doesn't suit you."

 

As the pair of monkees barreled down the road, Harehunter thought to himself, "This bazaar is quite bizarre."

 

A few tents down he passed a pair of prickly porcupines peeling a rather appealing fruit. When the Harehunter paused, one of the porcupines proffered a bowl containing two of the peeled fruits. "Would you like to purchase a pair of pared pears, please?"

But the Harehunter spied a few spines in the bowl with the pears. "No, I think I'll pass. Those pears are too prickly for me."

 

Further down, he came upon a tent that had a sign over the door. "Flea Market?" he read. "Who would want to buy fleas?"

The shop owner, a ram, charged up and replied "That is what you get when you try buy a bargain basement bazaar banner. It was supposed to read 'Fleece Market'.

"Is there anything I can do for ewe?"

The Harehunter jumped and skipped back a hop. "No, I'm fine" he said."

The ram pointed at the Harehunter and said, "Not you." then pointed behiind him. "May I help ewe, madame?"

Sheepishly, the Harehunter stepped out of the ewe's way, and continued down the street.

 

Finally, Harehunter arrived at the shop he was looking for, a perveyor of fine soups and salads.

"Welcome to Souper Salads. How may we serve you?"

Harehunter recognized the proprietor as a native of a place called Perv, where it's residents called themselves ...

"Pervects." interrupted the proprietor.

"Yes. I was going to say that." finished the Harehunter. "Also I would prefer not to be served in any fashion." Harehunter said as he stared at the toothy grin of the ...

"Pervect. Call me Aahhz."

Harehunter shook paws with ...

"Aahhz. And, no I didn't mean that we would serve You, just that we would Serve you. We have a fine Rhine wine from the best vines."

"I haven't tasted wine for a long time because I don' want to end up like Uncle Herman Hasenpfeffer."

"What happened to him, if I may inquire?"

"He drank too much wine and got himself thoroughly Stewed."

"My sympathies. What, then, may I get for you?"

"I would like to have a large salad, please."

"Now we heading in the right direction," said Aahhz as he shredded an entire head of lettuce into a bowl. "Would you like carrots with your salad?"

"Yes, I would like a couple dozen, please."

"Righty-oh!. One 24 carrot salad coming right up."

Harehunter's Note: I think I'd better stop this before it becomes too silly. Oh, sorry. Too late.

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  • 3 weeks later...

The son of one of my co-workers is a Captain in the U.S. Army. He is also airborne qualified. That means he gets to jump out of perfectly good airplanes. I ask about him from time to time, having been an army Captain myself. When my friend told me that he was being transferred from Seoul Korea to Fort Hood, Tx. I just couldn't stop myself. I said, "So now he's going from being a Seoul Man to living in the Hood."

 

One of these days the man upstairs is going to get a hold of me and when he does, whooo boy....

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  • 3 weeks later...

Sometimes I feel like a trained circus animal. Whenever I do a good deed for one of my customers, they reward me with puns.

Quote:

Did you know that when ancient wall sculptors were finished, it was a relief?

 

Or that ancient Aztec writers had to make sure their inca was dry?

 

An ancient Greek shoemaker ran home when there was an earthquake, only to discover he had fallen arches.

 

Meanwhile, ancient orators tended to Babylon.

 

Architects went through columns of figures in order to figure their columns.

 

Did you hear than an archaeologist’s career ended up in ruins?

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I have every book up until his latest releases. (Act surprised crazy )

 

As I recall, Aahz was a wizard, until he got hit with that joke powder.

 

Even more punny is the Piers Anthony Xanth "trilogy". His 32nd book in this series is titled "Two to the Twelveth". I wonder how he arrived at that name wink .

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Originally Posted By: Randomizer
December marks the release of the next one, Myth-Quoted.
Can I Quote you on that Mythter Randomizer? ( I told you I don't speak Lisp. I just couldn't C my way through PASCAL's triangle. To get around it, I had to hitch a ride on FOR-TRANS, but I don't know WAT IV. I visited the Tomb of the Lords of COBOL, but when my card was punched, a guy named Chad had hung around and turned a zero into a space, which gave my program intestinal flue causing it to dump core. What a mess! When I had re-Assembled the bits, I linked back to the bin directory and went FORTH from there. Since then I have BASICally gone quite inSAN.)
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From the "What is your favorite quote" thread.

Originally Posted By: Student of Trinity
Well, they made jelly out of rat cells. Not so much a jellyfish. That is, they made a blob of cells that moves in water like a jellyfish when you run current through the water. If you stop the current, the jelly stops moving. It has no internal power source. So this is only a rather modest step up from making dead frog legs twitch with current, as Galvani did in 1771.

 

What Lilith was pointing at sounded like current events. But SoT's shocking revelation was downright re-volting. I find his posts galvanizing.

 

Electrolytically speaking, though, I suppose only Rentar-Ihrno has the capacitance to pull off a stunt like this. Did the Vahnatai ever bring her up on charges for that? They would have to present their case to the short circuit judge.

 

And speaking of the Greeks, I think I remember they had an architectural style known as ionic. But I don't recall that they ever had one called anodic. I have a whole battery of questions like that.

 

I suppose I need to rectify my ways, but I don't want to burn my wheatstone bridges behind me. Besides the semi-conductor on the train won't let me board anyway.

 

I running low on EMF due to a high resistance to my punning, so I think I'll go ohm and take a nap.

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Originally Posted By: Harehunter
TM

Heh. Those are the initials of The Mystic, all right, but all the older people here think rather of Terror's Martyr, of memory ever dubious — the legendary 'TM' of whom people still speak, years after he was permanently banned. He went through a long phase of changing his PDN a lot, and so he is still on the Top Posters list, as 'Donald Hebb'. One of his more presentable monikers, fortunately.
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Hey, I have one of TM's BoE scenarios in my collection - Bandits II. It has a lot of strange references to Communism, crazily powerful items, and I'm not sure but I suspect the plot is loosely based on Dragonball Z or something.

 

I'd wonder why I keep something like that, but I hey, I left my sanity at the door. tongue

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Originally Posted By: Student of Trinity
Heh. Those are the initials of The Mystic, all right, but all the older people here think rather of Terror's Martyr, of memory ever dubious — the legendary 'TM' of whom people still speak, years after he was permanently banned. He went through a long phase of changing his PDN a lot, and so he is still on the Top Posters list, as 'Donald Hebb'. One of his more presentable monikers, fortunately.


he's technically unbanned now except he can only post in one forum that's currently closed to posting
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I was wireless for a while, but then I started drinking coffee again.

 

All week long I've felt like a hybrid between a mythical reptile and a burro.

 

You know why they call a seven day period a week?

Because that's how you feel at the end of it. That is why they give us weakends.

 

The puns in that last paragraph are pretty week as well.

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