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The Conspiracy Theory Thread


Tirien

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my own person pet conspiracy is the dischordian conspiracy... their goal is to sow confusion, and chaos, for it is the natural state of things... the way the world is, it looks like the corporate heads are all dischordians, passing down nonsensical edicts and orders... doing ineffectual, counterproductive, and counter intuitive things... however... this'd make far too much sense for any discordian, and would be far too expected... hence it becomes less likely... but is it...? the fact that I'm thinking this makes their plan to do nothing make as much sense as the plan to do something!

 

And so the discordians sit, doing nothing, or something, obfuscating both their role, or whether they have a role at all... ah the inconclusiveness of it all, er, I mean the humanity.

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Actually, its not really a conspiracy, since 95% of people who know about the internet already know that.

The remaining 5% think its a conspiracy to make us THINK that its a giant conspiracy to sell porn.

What can I say? The internet makes everyone paranoid.....wait...That must be the real conspiracy!!

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I must now lock this thread, for revealing too much!

 

It is now locked!

 

If by chance I should forget to actually lock it, this could only be because I am tired and forgetful. By no means would I leave it open after saying I was locking it, in order to lend credence to its false diversionary conspiracy theories, and so protect the truth from being discovered. No, I would never do that. That would be ridiculous.

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Originally Posted By: Tirien
That way other threads dont get hijacked with the insanity of 76.3% of us.


There's a reason that the traditional welcome to these forums is "Leave your sanity at the door," you can't stop the hijacking of any one thread. There may be a conspiracy involved in this fact.
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Originally Posted By: Tirien
Post all your conspiracy theories here. That way other threads dont get hijacked with the insanity of 76.3% of us.


Those numbers are suspiciously precise. Where did you get that data? You're watching us, aren't you? I know you're watching us.
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Originally Posted By: Arancaytrus
Originally Posted By: Tirien
Post all your conspiracy theories here. That way other threads dont get hijacked with the insanity of 76.3% of us.


Those numbers are suspiciously precise. Where did you get that data? You're watching us, aren't you? I know you're watching us.

Actually, its off by .000000523%...

And the only one im watching is myself. I just know im plotting something... All I need to do is catch myself doing it!
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You're right, of course. And in fact this is the key insight. Welcome to the true Inner Circle of conspirascenti. Your official T-shirt and decoder ring are in the mail. You should receive them within six to eight weeks, unless They should happen to interfere. So, if you still haven't gotten your ring two months from now, act accordingly.

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The true one-world government took control by conspiring to make us waste our time by coming up with ridiculous conspiracies. They just stepped into the power void after that.

I know: I reverse-hacked my lawn gnome.

 

_________________________

The Silent Assassin is the lead figure in a conspiracy to ensure that every person on earth gets pied at least once in their lifetime.

The other members of this conspiracy, that I have observed, are the cat, our mailman, and a shady character from down the street who calls himself JoJo the Clown.

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Okay, let's get serious now.

 

The conspiracy can't be too small, or that's no fun. If there's a secret conspiracy just to raise the price of a Grande Chai Latte by 6 cents, I just can't get excited. So it has to be a big deal.

 

But it can't be too big, or there's no point in talking about it, because it's obviously big enough to have faked any possible piece of evidence you could discover. This was kind of the flaw in my intergalactic molecular entity conspiracy; I'm glad it was only a caffeine hallucination. And if it wasn't, well, we may as well admit that we have no chance to out-think such a monstrously trans-human intellect, and decide to think and act as though it was.

 

So somewhere in the middle is the sweet spot, of conspiracies big enough to be interesting, but small enough to be worth worrying about. Just how big is this, do you think? Should we be worrying about the oil companies, or e-mail, or the NSA, or what?

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Turnips. Clearly vegetation with such an abstruse name as "turnip" has deeper significance. Their presence throughout the world is also suspicious. I don't mean, comrades, that the bulbous bulbs themselves are conspirators, but rather that they are accessories to conspiracy. Perhaps They encode information or messages of some variety into the DNA or flesh of the turnip. These turnips are then loaded onto trucks and shipped off. Seemingly, this only to get to produce markets, but along the way if a few bits of flora happen to "fall off the turnip truck?" I contend this is not a mere proverbial saying, but rather a subtly disguised way of conveying the info-loaded turnips to their conspiratorial recipients.

 

But what are they conspiring about? Alas, I do not know.

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Originally Posted By: Student of Trinity
So somewhere in the middle is the sweet spot, of conspiracies big enough to be interesting, but small enough to be worth worrying about. Just how big is this, do you think? Should we be worrying about the oil companies, or e-mail, or the NSA, or what?


It has to be large enough that it has influence but small enough that no one will spill the beans and destroy the conspiracy. So the maximum possible size depends on the influence of the people themselves. Of course, you don't actually have to know about the conspiracy to forward its claims, so you could have a few elites at a company in on the conspiracy and a few thousand "supporters" of the conspiracy.

Of course, as size increases, the chance of discover by accident or investigation ALSO increases. This sounds suspiciously like some kind of differential equation. Math people who are less lazy than me, get on this. However, taking a SWAG at the problem, I'd say that it would be risky to have more than ~20 in the inner circle and at most a few thousand furthering things indirectly. So maybe about 2000?
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Originally Posted By: Student of Trinity
So somewhere in the middle is the sweet spot, of conspiracies big enough to be interesting, but small enough to be worth worrying about. Just how big is this, do you think? Should we be worrying about the oil companies, or e-mail, or the NSA, or what?

This is why I dont use email. They can stalk you through it. They are also willing to use turnips as weapons of mass destruction. They are going to target us next. eek
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Originally Posted By: RCCCL
Originally Posted By: Tirien
That way other threads dont get hijacked with the insanity of 76.3% of us.


There's a reason that the traditional welcome to these forums is "Leave your sanity at the door," you can't stop the hijacking of any one thread. There may be a conspiracy involved in this fact.


The fluffy turtles will have to dispose of you shortly. The generation of all of these conspiracy theories keeps the world oblivious to their iron-grip on our minds.

I have said too much! I fear for my saf...
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Originally Posted By: Goldenking
The fluffy turtles will have to dispose of you shortly. The generation of all of these conspiracy theories keeps the world oblivious to their iron-grip on our minds.

I have said too much! I fear for my saf...

I call dibs on his throne!
Fluffy turtles make good soup, you know. Mmmmm turtle soup....
Anyone know who I can sell his throne for some quick cash?
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They wont allow me to eat them, but I could always sic some lawers on them instead. That should work good enough.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conspiracy_theory

 

Since this is from wikipedia, it is part of a conspiracy to throw us off the trail of the real conspiracy involving garden gnomes, turnips, turtles, and Windex.

 

Cant belive I forgot about Shamwow being part of the conspiracy.

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Originally Posted By: Niemand
Quote:
What if your self-employed?

Aha! A secret cabal is stealing the ends of sentences! (It seems that they cleverly leave the final punctuation behind, though, to camouflage their activities.)


Indeed. However, through great bravery on my part, I have retrieved the rest of the sentence from the depths of the foe's machinery, and bring it now to you now, in its restored form.

"What if your self-employed citizens catch on to the implants actually being mind control devices?"
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Well, Wiki provided this,

Quote:
Another hypothesized explanation for the constant buzzer is for testing a high-frequency Doppler method for ionosphere research, in which radio waves are reflected from ionosphere inhomogeneities. This method involves comparing a continuous radio transmission which is reflected by the ionosphere with a stable basic generator. The continuously transmitted carrier frequency currently used for this research matches that of the UVB-76 (4.625 MHz).

 

This seems a perfectly logical explanation to me.

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Originally Posted By: RCCCL
Don't clones usually try to claim the identity for themselves. This Elvis kept trying to deny who he was, but I knew, I knew.
The clone actually thinks he's the real Elvis and therefor denies that he is the real Elvis. The only way to tell them apart is to look at the telomere length (is that right?). The one with shorter telomeres (I think this is the word, but it's been a while) is the clone.
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Be careful applying this test; clever conspirators may subvert it by artificially lengthening the telomeres in the material used to generate the clone. This can cause the clone to have telomeres of about the same length as the original, making them difficult to distinguish, or longer, leading to incorrect conclusions about which is the original. This counter-measure has become more common recently due to the widespread use in commercial settings of basic techniques to detect clone infiltrators.

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Originally Posted By: Niemand
Be careful applying this test; clever conspirators may subvert it by artificially lengthening the telomeres in the material used to generate the clone. This can cause the clone to have telomeres of about the same length as the original, making them difficult to distinguish, or longer, leading to incorrect conclusions about which is the original. This counter-measure has become more common recently due to the widespread use in commercial settings of basic techniques to detect clone infiltrators.
Yes, but Elvis' clone was made at the same time as Elvis' supposed death, so I can be confident in my findings. Furthermore, Elvis has been in my basement since that time, so I know that no modern clones exist.
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