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Slarty Ranks Everything for President

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Posted (edited)

I was hoping Skynet or Earl Bradley would've come close to taking AM's throne on the rankings. I think Michael Scott would be pretty high up there if you put him in the list.

Edited by JackEKnoff

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Well, now that we've started doing famous presidents, we can do famous presidents' fathers!

 

Joseph Kennedy Sr.

Prescott Bush

George Clinton

Fred Trump

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So...around where would the list switch from "somewhat suited" to "somewhat unsuited"?  I'm curious how far down we have to go before where the "character" of the list changes the most dramatically and where I can say someone is "low ranking".

 

Also, putting in my requests for the Mesopotamian deities Inanna/Ishtar, Anu, Ereshkigal, and Tiamat (I figured I'd go with some of the ones people have actually *heard* of, or at least are easy to find stuff on)

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5 hours ago, EarthPhantomTS said:

Also, putting in my requests for the Mesopotamian deities Inanna/Ishtar, Anu, Ereshkigal, and Tiamat (I figured I'd go with some of the ones people have actually *heard* of, or at least are easy to find stuff on)

Heh heh heh.  Little do you know.  Please feel free to be as obscure as you wish, on that subject -- though I may complain if you are inconsistent with your transliteration choices (as above) 😛

 

As for the list's character, I think I commented that I found Pilgor the Goat to be a pretty good stand-in for not having the office occupied at all.  I can't promise I've been 100% consistent, given all the factors involved, but that should mean I consider anyone above Pilgor to be better than nothing, and anyone below Pilgor to be worse than nothing.

 

 

Also: sorry for the delay.  Would you believe I started a response almost two weeks ago and... oh, holy crap, that browser window is still open.  Well, guess I should go finish that.

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For past presidents, note that I'm evaluating what I'd think of them assuming the office today (as with everyone else), not what I think of their past performance when they were actually president.  (Also, sorry presidential dads: I just don't care enough to learn a lot about you.)

 

Emperor Wu of Han is fascinating but I kind of don't believe most of what's written about him enough to place him very specifically.  Likewise, Cao Cao's depictions vary so widely that I don't know how to treat him.  Zhuge Liang though: I played DOAE, and from what I can gather it didn't exaggerate, at least not beyond lore.  I know what to do with this guy.

 

Inanna, boy, here's another one where I am so very conflicted.  But I've ranked her.  Ranking An, on the other hand, would be like trying to rank a Deist conception of God.

 

Lucca
Simone de Beauvoir
Robo
Princess Leia
Buffy Summers

Zhuge Liang
Henry Agard Wallace
Micah
Uncle Iroh
Jean-Luc Picard
Lady Gaga
Erika Redmark
Zuko
Mary Poppins
Socrates
Sylak
Eowyn
Captain America
Aragorn
Katara
Frog

FDR
Plato
Graham Nelson
Empress Prazac
Abigail Adams
Honor Harrington
Lisa Simpson
Thanos (comics)
R2-D2

Ereshkigal

Aristotle
Magus
Diogenes the Cynic

The Kangxi Emperor

LBJ
Aang
Lord Havelock Vetinari
King Arthur
Cleopatra (Shakespeare)
Peter Gabriel
Orson Welles
Mary Shelley

Eisenhower
Epicurus

JFK
Kathryn Janeway
Puddleglum
Professor Oak
Sherlock Holmes
Ayla
Cleopatra Jones

Harry S. Truman
Redbeard
Zaphod Beeblebrox
Julius Caesar
Blaise Pascal
Olga of Kiev
Boudica
Cicero
The Doctor
Toph
Julius Martov
Lord British
Queen Elizabeth I

Inanna
Melanchion

Mao Zedong
Faramir
Dumbledore
Starrus
Gladwell
Manfred Redmark
Bob the Builder
Billie Holiday
Ken Burns
Eeyore
Marle

Le Petit Prince
Multivac
Sokka
Pat Paulsen
Seth MacFarlane
Khan Noonien Singh
Werdna
Mal Reynolds
Queen Elizabeth II
Clifford the Big Red Dog
Aslan
Sir Topham Hatt
James T. Kirk
Henri III
Ayn Rand
Cleopatra (real)
Daddy Warbucks
Pat Sajak
Cardinal Richelieu
Sulla
Lavos
Pilgor the Goat
Curious George
Kikuchiyo
Miss Piggy
Lyndon LaRouche

Captain Ahab

Tiamat

Lady Macbeth

Benjamin Sisko
Darth Vader
Evil Abed
Crassus
Pompey
Spider
Rand al'Thor
Caligula
Yosemite Sam
George Jetson
One of the 7 dwarves (Disney)
Guybrush Threepwood
Boris Johnson
Julie d'Aubigny
Zapp Brannigan
Pol Pot
Grima, Wormtongue
Yogi Bear
Shaper Rawal
Kylo Ren
Harcourt Fenton Mudd
George Wickham
Ivan the Terrible
Genghis Khan
Morgoth
The White Witch
Hawthorne
Hitler
Emperor Palpatine
Dorikas
Elizabeth Báthory
Kefka
Smaug
The Allied Mastercomputer

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For the crime of not ranking George Clinton, I'm not only adding Jeb Bush to the list, but also making you read a dribble I wrote for him:

 

Spoiler

Jeb Bush stands naked in his bathroom and despairs. The reason behind his failed foray in federal politics? It is clearly evident in the mirror before him. He has to face the ugly truth: he will never, ever be dummy thicc.

 

He implores his reflection one last time:

 

"Please clap."

 

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Wait, are you telling me that George Clinton isn't Bill Clinton's dad? Riiight, next you'll be telling me that Director Hoover and President Hoover weren't the same person.

 

Something I believed until embarrassingly late in life.

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Ozzy Osbourne

Elizabeth Warren

Tucker Carlson

Denethor

Soren Kierkegaard

 

 

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Callie has broken hearts on actual current candidates.  (Finally!)  Let the floodgates blow open.

 

And Dinti... I have some bad news for you.  I have to inform you that President Trump is not the same person as Ivana Trump, either.

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Disney princess round (including both non-princesses who are part of the official Princess Line as well as princesses who are not):

 

Snow White

Cinderella

Aurora

Eilonwy

Ariel

Belle

Jasmine

Pocahontas

Mulan

Kuzco

Kida

Tiana

Rapunzel

Merida

Anna

Elsa (she was a princess at the start of the movie I guess?)

Moana

 

Feel free to do the public domain versions (or any other versions) if you're adventurous.

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5 hours ago, Infixèd said:

*faceplant*

You need a padded desk mat. A very thick and cushioned one.

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On 8/16/2019 at 2:01 AM, Dintiradan said:

Disney princess round

 

On 8/16/2019 at 2:01 AM, Dintiradan said:

Kuzco

 

lolwut dinti plz

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Posted (edited)

Ah, hmm. I was referencing the running joke where Kuzco meets all the Disney Princess requirements set in Ralph Breaks the Internet (better than Vanellope does, which is one of the reasons why she's off the list), but yeah, I can see how there's more than one way to take it. Consider him rescinded, and my apologies.

Edited by Dintiradan

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