Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Trenton.

Best puns and jokes.

Recommended Posts

I want to hear them because...Well I do, so don't argue with me >.> I like to laugh, so let me hear them. I excpect to see harehunter making great puns about the situation too >.>

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Master1
Collecting puns outside of context is a pain in the butt for all but the most standard of puns.


Speaking of pains in the butt, did you hear what happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man is stuck inside a metal room. The door was locked and there wasn't a handle. There are also no winsows. The following items were inside the room:

piano, table, saw,and bat.

There are 3 ways he could've got out, do you know?

 

 

 

 

First, he played the piano until he found the right key.

 

Second, he sawed the table in half then held the two pieces together. Two halves make a whole.(hole)

 

Third, he swung the bat three times. Three strikes, he's out!

 

 

 

 

<span style="font-size: 20pt">Your so poor...</span>

 

I walked in your front door and fell out the back.

 

I walked in your house and stepped on a roach and got yelled at for killing the family pet.

 

I walked in your house and stepped on a lit cigarette and your dad asked who turned off the heat.

 

You can't even pay attention.

 

Starving people in third world countries are sending you money and food.

 

<span style="font-size: 20pt">Your Mommas so fat...</span>

 

That she got mistaken for a taxi because of her yellow suit.

 

She jumped in the air and got stuck.

 

She sat on a rainbow and made Skittles.

 

She uses a hula-hoop as a belt.

 

 

Post #612 <img src="graemlins/cool.gif" alt="cool" title="cool" height="15" width="15" />

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Master1
Originally Posted By: Harehunter
Almost all of the stuff I come up with is context based only; spur of the moment stuff.


Collecting puns outside of context is a pain in the butt for all but the most standard of puns.

Most of my databases are run on Unix platforms. These are very stable and can run for months without having to be re-booted. However there are some databases that have to run on a Windows server. For some reason, the system gets a bit wonky, (That's a technical term laugh ), and has to be re-booted about once a month. There are a lot of other differences that make my life difficult with these bad boys. In short, Windows can be a real pane in the glass.

(Some puns are better when spoken than when written.)

My dad had a very active mind as well. He lived in California while I lived in Texas. Each Sunday we would regularly have a long talk on the phone that would last for about an hour. After one such conversation he called back. I said "What did you forget?"
Dad: "I just P'd on the floor."
Me (Holding my head.): "Why did you do that?"
Dad (Proudly): "I was in the kitchen preparing dinner, and when I opened the bag of frozen peas, the bag exploded and dropped all the peas on the floor!"

A long distance call to tell me he had pea'd on the floor! I will be 'blessed' by that memory for as long as I live.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

 

Isn't the pun the lowest form of comedy?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Mod.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

Isn't the pun the lowest form of comedy?

I have always heard that but never came to believe it until I have seen it used as a deadly weapon. When it comes to puns, the badder the better. Most puns just make me laugh. A really good pun will make me groan. Those are the ones I remember.

I know this is poor, but it'll have to do for now.
G.I.F.T.S.
I just can't bring myself to repeat it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Double entendres tend to really do it for me; puns, not so much.

 

A prime example is the title of a favorite album of mine: "If I could do it all over again, I'd do it all over you."

 

Now, the writer of the title track which lent its name to the album claims that the second 'over' could be substituted with 'for.' The alternative meaning is the one which occurred to me first, but then I have a distinctly dirty mind. ;{D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote:
Double entendres tend to really do it for me


This sort of sounded like one.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: PSPACE
Quote:
Double entendres tend to really do it for me


This sort of sounded like one.


You're quite right, though I didn't fully apprehend that when I put it in those terms. "Do it for me" is certainly a vague slang phrase which could mean, among other things, "crack me up" or "turn me on (sexually or otherwise)." Double entendres tend to be both hilarious and risque, so I'm happy with my choice of phrase. :{D

Come to think of it, I enjoy using these versatile slang phrases most of all. The aforementioned "turn me on" is a great one which I believe was essentially invented in the '60s. "Turning on" can be a euphemism for engaging in a hallucinogenic experience, but that meaning has largely been forgotten.

EDIT: For the sake of clarification, one can be 'turned on' to just about anything. For example: I credit my friends for turning me on to progressive rock.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have a step-brother who once told me that if he had had twin girls, he would name them both Entendre.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A double entendre is just a suggestive pun that thinks it's something special because of the French.

 

—Alorael, who wants to know why only girls can be Entendre. Is he missing something about French conjugation? (Pun not intended but duly noted.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I bet you could play Emperor's Double Entendre. Raise your eyebrows archly at some random statement, and pretend that it has an embarrassing alternate reading. How many people would admit to not catching on?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Harehunter
I have a step-brother who once told me that if he had had twin girls, he would name them both Entendre.


This would undoubtedly result in one daughter being forthright and virtuous, and the other being thoroughly subtle, mischievous, and a good deal of fun!

Originally Posted By: Bottom Feeders
A double entendre is just a suggestive pun that thinks it's something special because of the French.


According to Wikipedia: "There exist subtle differences between paronomasia [pun] and other literary techniques, such as the double entendre. While puns are often simple wordplay for comedic or rhetorical effect, a double entendre alludes to a second meaning which is not contained within the statement or phrase itself, often one which purposefully disguises the second meaning. As both exploit the use of intentional double meanings, puns can sometimes be double entendres, and vice versa."

This confuses me terribly, but I take it to mean that the relationship between puns and double entendres is analogous to that between two overlapping circles in a Venn diagram. Anyway, the only sort of secondary meaning which appeals to me is the suggestive and/or subversive sort.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: HOUSE of S
Only Alorael could respond to conjugation by duly noting it.


He must be a big fan of conjugational love, then.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Stugri-La
This confuses me terribly, but I take it to mean that the relationship between puns and double entendres is analogous to that between two overlapping circles in a Venn diagram. Anyway, the only sort of secondary meaning which appeals to me is the suggestive and/or subversive sort.


And the Venner is...
Stugri-La!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Dantius
Originally Posted By: HOUSE of S
Only Alorael could respond to conjugation by duly noting it.


He must be a big fan of conjugational love, then.

Now that was odoriferous!

Visual Whirled Peas.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I hear conjugation, my first thought is that I verb your noun (and he/she/it verbs your noun) and my second thought is that the bacteria are getting frisky again.

 

—Alorael, who maintains his previous stance. It's a Venn diagram, except the circles would entirely overlap if one weren't insisting on distinct society.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Alorael
I verb your noun (and he/she/it verbs your noun)

Hey, take your orgy to the SW chat room! These boards have to remain suitable for young children.

Dikiyoba.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: praenomagnosia
When I hear conjugation, my first thought is that I verb your noun (and he/she/it verbs your noun) and my second thought is that the bacteria are getting frisky again.)

I'll verb your noun and raise you an adjective.

Originally Posted By: praenomagnosia
—Alorael, who maintains his previous stance. It's a Venn diagram, except the circles would entirely overlap if one weren't insisting on distinct society.

Running around the circle faster than anyone else is how you Venn the race.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Harehunter
Originally Posted By: praenomagnosia
—Alorael, who maintains his previous stance. It's a Venn diagram, except the circles would entirely overlap if one weren't insisting on distinct society.

Running around the circle faster than anyone else is how you Venn the race.


I've tried that before, but I just can't get up enough venntripetal acceleration.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There is a point when puns are witty and elegant.

 

After that there is a point when puns are appreciated by some, groaned at by most, and derided by others. This is where many pre-packaged puns fit.

 

Then, finally, there is a point when puns are just stupid. This is what happens when you go out of your way to make puns just for their own sake, even though it is not funny. The fact that "Venn" sounds kind of like the word "win" when that word is pronounced with a really unusual accent doesn't justify one pun, let alone a repeated one. Enough with the puns already, you are all being ridiculous. At the very least stop turning every single thread into a pun-fest. It's just stupid at this point.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: HOUSE of S
It's just stupid at this point.


at this point... or at this punt?

ok i'll stop now

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you know why Vegans would like to rule the world?

They believe that if everyone stopped eating meat

we could all live in Peas and Hominy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Puns are meant to be heard not seen.

Most puns lose their impact when written.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Puns based on homonyms rely on being heard. Good wordplay can work perfectly well in print.

 

—Alorael, who will amend his opinions. Puns aren't low humor, but some puns are low humor. Cleverness is a plus. Stretching the sounds to force humor is a bit of a minus. (Witticism about punishment goes here.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: too many heals
Puns based on homonyms rely on being heard. Good wordplay can work perfectly well in print.


Alorael, a homonym is one of a group of words which share a common spelling and pronunciation, but have different meanings. I fail to understand why a pun based on a homonym wouldn't work in print.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think Alorael means that, in print, you can see which of the homonyms is being used. Knowing this, you may be less likely to realize the pun. When listening, I think you're thinking more critically about the words, so you're more likely to pick up on a homonym.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Master1
I think Alorael means that, in print, you can see which of the homonyms is being used. Knowing this, you may be less likely to realize the pun. When listening, I think you're thinking more critically about the words, so you're more likely to pick up on a homonym.

That is precisely what I mean when I say that puns are meant to be heard and not seen. When writing a pun, I will often spell the key word with the homonym, rather than the more expected word. For example...
Seeing the homonym in print weakens the impact.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Master1
I think Alorael means that, in print, you can see which of the homonyms is being used. Knowing this, you may be less likely to realize the pun. When listening, I think you're thinking more critically about the words, so you're more likely to pick up on a homonym.


I still don't get it. True homonyms have the same exact spelling. There's no way to determine their meaning except through context. I'm not talking about "foul" and "fowl" here; these are considered homophones, not true homonyms. I'm talking about one word, "over" in my example, possibly meaning "because of" OR "on top of." Two (or more) distinct meanings for a single word.

Check out the Wikipedia page for Homonym for a detailed description of the differences between homonyms, homographs, and homophones. Homographs can work for puns as well, but only in print. Homophones, as we've discussed, work only when spoken. Homonyms, which sound the same and look the same, work regardless of medium.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Stughalf, if you read the entire Wikipedia page, you'll notice that it distinguishes between technical and non-technical use. The reality is that in non-technical use, people use "homonym" interchangeably with "homophone" (and "homograph" isn't used at all). If you ask most people what a homonym is, the ones who have any clue at all will probably tell you it's two words that sound the same.

 

Very little of the grammar-related discussion that happens here uses terms that are even remotely technically correct, so I see no reason to quibble over Alorael's use of homonym. We all knew what he meant.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: HOUSE of S
Stughalf, if you read the entire Wikipedia page, you'll notice that it distinguishes between technical and non-technical use. The reality is that in non-technical use, people use "homonym" interchangeably with "homophone" (and "homograph" isn't used at all). If you ask most people what a homonym is, the ones who have any clue at all will probably tell you it's two words that sound the same.

Very little of the grammar-related discussion that happens here uses terms that are even remotely technically correct, so I see no reason to quibble over Alorael's use of homonym. We all knew what he meant.


Gotcha, I just noticed that part. I was incorrect in criticizing Alorael and others for their use of the term. However, my point still stands. A pun or double entendre based on a technically-defined homonym works equally well when heard or in print.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually, I meant homonym, not homophone. Homophone puns don't work in print quite right because they don't read right. But I find that homonym puns still don't work as well in print as they do spoken. I don't know why, and it might just be me, but I like them much better delivered conversationally. Sometimes it has to do with the delivery, but sometimes it might just be bias.

 

—Alorael, who also exaggerated when he said that homonyms don't work. They do, but they don't work as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think your point about the delivery is a good one. However identical homonyms may be in print, they are rarely that identical in spoken language; though the words may be identical in isolation, they may tend to sound very different when actually spoken, based on what kind of sentences they tend to end up in, and where in those sentences, and what sort of stress they are likely to receive or avoid.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Even the liberal use of punctuation does not do proper justice to an artfully spoken delivery. I've tried commas, semicolons, ellipses, parentheses, and new-lines. Only the true double entendre survives intact the duress of being put in print.

 

--Edit.

Actually in retrospect, a double entendre is *not* a pun. It is a completely different type of anecdote. For example:

 

A successful farmer is a man who is outstanding in his field.

 

Or is that a pun also?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I came to this thread hoping for entertainment, but found only education. How depressing. I mean, I can't even watch PBS anymore! There's just too much Sax and Violins on it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry about all that. I've been having pun elsewhere. I need inspiration to pull off a stream like this one.

 

Talking about old computers and data storage on the Pictures thread.

 

And to think that a mere 30+ years ago, people used punched cards for storage. By the way, has anyone seen Chad hanging around lately? The last time I saw him, he was pretty tensed out. He needs to learn to let the chips fall where they may. I seem to have misplaced my bit bucket, as well. I need it so I can repair these cards with holes in them. With out them, I'm going to feel all out of sorts. I guess I'd better wrap this up before some tries to deck me.

 

Originally Posted By: Harehunter
Originally Posted By: Necris Omega
... I imagine Harehunter blowing a vacuum tube stringing that nightmare of antiquated storage puns together.

Canines abhor a vacuum. And, no I didn't blow a tube, but I did blow off some steam. Look out Stanley, I'm chugging through.

 

Originally Posted By: Excalibur
Originally Posted By: Harehunter
By the way, has anyone seen Chad hanging around lately?

Just ask Al Gore.

Now I have used a few AlGorithms in my career as a programmer. They come in pretty handy for solving some problems. Has anyone seen my slide ruler?

 

Later we got onto the subject of

shift key usage

 

 

The presumptive purveyor of puns must pace his patter to preserve the potency of his putrid product.

 

(What's a little alliteration among friends?)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Micawber
Originally Posted By: Trenton the dragon lord
I think it was "Summon Pie" where a number of banana cream pies appeared and slinged themselves at enemies.


But that was a mage spell. Cloud of Blades is a priest spell, so I think it would have replaced a priest spell. There definitely are a couple which disappeared between games, like Divine Warrior.


I just looked in all my files on this and I can't find Cloud of Blades in the spell lists at all. I keep going around in circles...
Wait...
I think I've just been hit with a Summon Pi spell.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Harehunter, multiple people have asked you, very politely, to please contain your puns. Post them when they're good, not every time you think of them; and don't post them in every single thread.

 

Now you are duplicating the exact same post from another thread, to this pun thread, apparently because you were so pleased that you managed to connect "pie," "pi," and "circles."

 

Don't post the same thing in multiple threads, and CUT DOWN ON THE PUNS ALREADY. People have been very nice about it. That isn't going to last forever.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My apologies. I only reposted here because of the previous complaint about there being no jokes here. I shan't do it again. As to the volume of puns, of all the ones that occur to me,I only post one in ten. (No, I'm not going to say it.)

Since it seems to be offending more people than the number who seem to enjoy them, at your behest I shall refrain.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally Posted By: Student of Trinity
I bet you could play Emperor's Double Entendre. Raise your eyebrows archly at some random statement, and pretend that it has an embarrassing alternate reading. How many people would admit to not catching on?


Practically anything CAN be a double entendre if you make it so, though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...