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Enraged Slith

What do I do about this girl at work?

128 posts in this topic

I'm sorry if this is inappropriate to post here. I respect quite a few posters here and wanted some input on a personal problem.

 

I've worked with this girl a few times and I think we've really hit it off. She's smart, driven, and beautiful. I've never been so profoundly attracted to someone in my entire life. Problem is that she's dating someone else at work and it might be pretty serious. I don't want to get in between that.

 

But we drew a shift together recently and I couldn't help myself and wound up flirting with her real heavy all day. She laughed at everything and started hitting me back. Then she made some innuendo about me under her breath and wouldn't tell me what she said while being real coy about it with this big grin plastered on her face. And now I can't think about anything else.

 

So now I'm stuck with this incredible amount of attraction toward this girl and I think she might reciprocate my feelings and all I want to do is tell her how I feel about her. But I can't do that because I don't want to get into a bunch of drama with her and her boyfriend. So I've got no release. It's tearing me up inside.

 

:(

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what you should do is you should make a bunch of passive-aggressive comments about the boyfriend and maybe spread some nasty rumours about him. this is definitely a good idea that won't get you fired

 

no but for reals you need to decide whether to talk to her about this or let it go, and i mean really let it go without any bitterness or resentment, and then be able to stick with that decision. those are really the only two options here

 

also don't date her while she's still with her boyfriend, unless you're okay with her doing the same to you later on. just saying

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I have no experience with girls whatsoever because boys and girls are separated due to the Muslim traditions inside this country. No offense meant though.

 

I'm about to give you an advice which has a desirable-or-not effect. I warned you.

 

 

You can just act "friendly" to her and stuff whilst secretly pushing your way into her heart. It sounds complicated, but I think it might be the safest option especially she has a boyfriend. She might then share a mutual attraction with you. From here, I can't go any further.

 

 

That is my advice to you, my Argonian friend.

-----

-Nightwatcher

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It's not really her heart I want to get into, which is another reason why I don't want to cause any trouble. As attracted as I am to her, it might be fleeting.

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I have no experience with girls whatsoever because boys and girls are separated due to the Muslim traditions inside this country. No offense meant though.

 

I'm about to give you an advice which has a desirable-or-not effect. I warned you.

 

 

You can just act "friendly" to her and stuff whilst secretly pushing your way into her heart. It sounds complicated, but I think it might be the safest option especially she has a boyfriend. She might then share a mutual attraction with you. From here, I can't go any further.

 

 

That is my advice to you, my Argonian friend.

-----

-Nightwatcher

No. Do not under any circumstances do this. It makes you a very bad person and it doesn't work at all.

 

Dikiyoba urges you to go home and rethink your life.

Iffy and Sudanna like this

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Given that I'm not an expert in these matters, here's the best advice I can give: If you're not 100% sure that your attraction to this girl is enduring (like, the-rest-of-your-life enduring) then do not pursue it. You really don't want to invite that kind of drama into your life. You will just end up regretting it.

springacres likes this

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There's an xkcd strip that might be appropriate to the situation.

 

If she's serious with her boyfriend that doesn't mean she can't enjoy flirting and attention from someone else. Or enjoy flirting back. But doing so is really no indication that she's interested. If anything, because she's already in a relationship, and because she knows that you're aware of that fact, the flirting is easy and harmless because you both know it can't go anywhere. It's all friendly and in good fun.

 

Sure, there's a chance that she's not actually all that serious and might break up with this boyfriend in favor of you. If that's the case, you should be hoping that it's a fleeting crush and just some fun for you, because if she's willing to do that once she might well be willing to do it again, breaking your heart along the way. There's also the chance that she'd be happy to cheat, which I'd advise steering clear of, because that's all kinds of workplace drama that you don't want.

 

 

What gets me, though, is that you've worked with this girl "a few times" and had one day of intense flirting. Sure, it's fun, and you're powerfully attracted. If she were unencumbered I'd say you should go for it. But she's not, and that's a lot of weight to put on infatuation. This really is just attraction, not true love. I'd say you let it go. It's not fun or easy, but it beats the alternatives.

 

—Alorael, who is also firmly of the opinion that worming your way into her affections to displace her boyfriend is a distasteful emotional game, especially for physical attraction. It's better to take a cold shower and get over it. And honestly it's still better to secretly long and hope that she breaks up. If she's also really that into you she's probably rethinking her relationship right now, and she's perfectly capable of taking matters into her own hand. If she lets you know soon that's she's now single, that's an invitation you should take. Don't push for it.

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Ahh... Asking about relationship issues on the internet. A great way to collect many gigabytes of bad advice. But really, keep your distance unless she and boyfriend guy break up.

 

 

 

Alternatively, hire an asassin to remove him from the picture, sleazily take advantage of resulting emotional vulnerability, have evil inner monologue about wonderful plot, score.

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And honestly it's still better to secretly long and hope that she breaks up. If she's also really that into you she's probably rethinking her relationship right now, and she's perfectly capable of taking matters into her own hand. If she lets you know soon that's she's now single, that's an invitation you should take. Don't push for it.

That's what my friends have been telling me and it seems like the best advice. I'm worried that if we get another shift together that I might say or do something I regret.

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actually that raises another question: how much do you care about this job? because doing anything except backing off has a real chance of making work awkward for you in the long run

Edgwyn and Enraged Slith like this

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Also how much bigger than you is her current boyfriend in case he finds out about you. Some people tend to deal with rivals physically.

Valdain the King and Edgwyn like this

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Why not just ask her how serious she is with her boyfriend? If she says it's really serious, keep it to a friendly flirt. Girls like that kind of thing. And if the relationship sours, you'll be there. If she hesitates or doesn't know... tell her you're interested. Be straight forward. Put the ball in her court. Couldn't hurt and it's a lot better than pining in the long run. Those coulda, shoulda, woulda's are a bear.

 

Also never trash the boyfriend, even if and when she does because ultimately she's the one who's choosing to be with him.

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I would say do nothing. If you do something you are either going to get beat, hurt her. If you care about her rather than you being with her you will know that there will come a time something will happen. If this relationship doesnt go anywhere with her current boyfriend which is ENTIRELY POSSIBLE you are more lucky than you think. You really dont want to hurt her if you care. The rebels that control their fyoras do so with compassion. Wait that doesnt belong there.

 

Its true guys have to be strong, but being gentle caring, humanistic and realistic is better in today's world. If this was 2000 years ago I would say get up snatch. That's not how hands do things today and might be for the better.

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Lilith and Randomizer both have excellent points. If your current job is at all important to you, a love or lust triangle is one of the worst things that you can do. One day of flirting may be nothing, she may be interested in you and drop the boyfriend, or she may have you firmly in the friend zone. In any case, starting anything with her is a bad idea.

Even "friendly" flirting can get dangerous in a work type environment. Her boyfriend can get jealous and make things socially awkward in the workplace. If she is really into him, he can force her to go to HR and state that you are harassing her.

This is a lot of potential drama for a person who you are not even sure that you actually like.

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If she says it's really serious, keep it to a friendly flirt. Girls like that kind of thing.

 

i'm not 100% sure he's capable of doing that right now without emotionally exhausting himself, he sounds pretty infatuated with her. i think he could probably use some distance from her so he can be objective about the situation

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True, you need to know your limitations. If friendly flirting is too much, at least friendly. Gonna have to talk to her sometime.

Valdain the King likes this

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i'm not 100% sure he's capable of doing that right now without emotionally exhausting himself, he sounds pretty infatuated with her. i think he could probably use some distance from her so he can be objective about the situation

She's actually my supervisor so it's going to depend on whether or not she assigns herself to another shift with me. This is the sort of job where you work with just one other person for about a 10 hour window.

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Don't pursue it. And, unfortunately, there's all kinds of workplace liability issues preventing her from pursuing it. If she ignores all that and does, well, you've gotten a lot of lucky breaks. But don't hold your breath, don't push it, and maybe, if it's really hard, try to do what you can to avoid sharing shifts.

 

—Alorael, who also has trouble with the "girls like that sort of thing" comment. Because there are some girls who do, and there are some girls who don't, and there are some girls who don't but have a lot of social conditioning to react positively because that's expected of them. It's difficult to know when it's taken well and when it's not, short of the girl avoiding you later. And it's better to avoid creating that kind of discomfort in the workplace anyway.

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Was going to drown my sorrow in some foxy nurse but she abandoned ship when she found out she was 6 years my senior. This weekend has been a wash. Thank you for the advice, everyone.

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Was going to drown my sorrow in some foxy nurse but she abandoned ship when she found out she was 6 years my senior. This weekend has been a wash. Thank you for the advice, everyone.

 

pro tip: if something like that happens again, just go a night without sleep before seeing her and it'll make you look a few years older

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BREAKING NEWS: Internet forum full of timid nerds gives dating advice: "Relationships are scary."

That's borderline offensive. It's also untrue in just about every respect.

 

Not everyone giving advice here is a timid nerd.

 

That was not the advice given.

 

—Alorael, who thinks the "don't be a scumbag" and "don't cause workplace problems" pieces of advice are pretty generally reasonable. They also absolutely don't stay that relationships are scary, or even that starting them is scary or hard. Starting relationships with people already in relationships who you know through work? Yes, it's scary.

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—Alorael, who also has trouble with the "girls like that sort of thing" comment. Because there are some girls who do, and there are some girls who don't,

 

Reading too much into it. I think we're all able to understand (with some exceptions and to varying degrees) that there are exceptions and varying degrees to every generalization without needing to dot every i and cross every t in graduate level exposition for it.

 

But to pacify any troubled souls, how about 'girls like to know that others find them attractive'? As long as the 'friendly' bit is also being respectful - that's the important part - there's not a girl I know that would be against an honest compliment. Some may react negatively based on their opinion of the guy, but that doesn't necessarily mean they would rather not know.

 

With the description of the 'heavy flirting day' my guess is the lady in question wouldn't mind the attention, but its all a moot point now I suppose. 'Never date the boss' is one of those cardinal rules. Unless you really don't want to keep your job, in which case you should find a different job first and then come back to show her your interest.

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Not really reading too much into it. As it turns out, women are an incredibly diverse set of individuals with a fluid set of characteristics, none of which are universal or essential, that make up a social group. They don't all have the same interests or the same reactions, just as much as men don't all like or dislike the same things, just as much as other non-binary genders don't all have the same preferences. I can think of plenty of examples where women I've known would much rather not be told that they're attractive in a given context. Don't exclude their experiences just because they're not what you expect.

Iffy, Dikiyoba and springacres like this

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Try out a few more shifts and see what happens. One shift isn't much. First-impressions are usually somewhat correct, in my experience, but who knows. Ya need more data I'd say. Can't conclude much based on a single shift—other than you liking here a lot, which is totally valid, I agree, but see what happens next. She's not going anywhere, right?

 

 

I admit, I have no idea how strongly you feel. But for me, if I feel strongly, I follow that path until all the bridges burn and the rocks shatter underfoot.

 

 

And yeah, most def EVERYONE likes compliments (no exceptions), but the frequency, type, etc can be awkward or unwanted. Also, don't assume anything about what the other person is thinking.

 

Essentially, if you want this go for it, but weigh the importance of the job etc.

springacres likes this

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I've worked a couple shifts with her. I wouldn't have thought anything if she hadn't said certain things and acted a certain way by the end of the day. I'm just going to wait it out and see what happens, since there's no use in getting worked up over someone who's in a relationship.

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Your supervisor has a boyfriend who also works with you both, but she flirted with you through a whole shift. You know, that doesn't really sound so great, when you put it that way.

 

Offhand, based on only the few lines of text I know about this situation, I can imagine three scenarios.

 

1) This 'girl' is actually very responsible and reliable both personally and professionally, but her relationship with her boyfriend is miserable and she's so attracted to you that she can't help letting her workplace ethics slip just this once. Your relationship will perfect as soon as you get over this awkward beginning phase that has made you both behave uncharacteristically.

 

2) You somehow misinterpreted the flirting. It was really nothing. Imagining that it was more than that would be a huge personal and professional mistake.

 

3) This woman is insensitive at best, and at worst, unprofessional and unfaithful. If a male supervisor behaved as she has, he'd be scum, no matter how smart, driven, and handsome he was. So ditch the double standard.

 

There's actually a sort of continuum of scenarios between 2) and 3): depending on how firmly established her personal and professional relationships are, and how sensitive she is, she might have said more than she should have, just because it didn't occur to her that her casual banter could be taken seriously.

 

Scenario 1) is conceivable, but even if it is true, it would be smart not to just assume it's true, but to take serious account of the other two possibilities. Which strike me, I'm afraid, as rather more probable, from the little I know.

 

If you continue to see what you think are signs of interest on her part, it might be smart to ask a friendly question about what she and her boyfriend (whom you also know, right?) are doing — summer vacation, weekend plans, whatever. Or ask, in a very general way, about the social implications of her supervisor status — maybe not in the context of dating, but just of friendships or socializing. That may be a bit subtle, but if you're careful you could avoid saying anything offensive or inappropriate, and yet give her a clear opportunity to say something a lot more explicit and definite than casual flirting. If she doesn't take such a clear opportunity, then you pretty much have to rule out scenario 1.

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And yeah, most def EVERYONE likes compliments (no exceptions), but the frequency, type, etc can be awkward or unwanted.

 

So, everyone likes compliments unless there's something that makes them not compliments? Your definition of compliments is tautological. Unfortunately, though, not everyone has the same qualifications of what counts as a compliment, so what may be a compliment to you could just be creepy and rude to someone else. This ties in with the discussion of whether or not the boss that ES is "flirting" with is actually flirting or not. I recommend paying attention to how she interacts with other people, as she may act that way with everyone.

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I hate compliments, actually. I have perilously low self-esteem and compliments only remind me of that. I also have no idea how to receive them other than saying "No, you're wrong.", which leads to awkwardness. Compliments suck. Never give compliments.

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I've worked a couple shifts with her. I wouldn't have thought anything if she hadn't said certain things and acted a certain way by the end of the day. I'm just going to wait it out and see what happens, since there's no use in getting worked up over someone who's in a relationship.

 

It's great that you get along with your supervisor, but starting a relationship with her while either of you is in a position of power over the other at work is at best a Very Bad Idea if not a violation of company policy. (I think most companies, at least here in the US, have some sort of rule that forbids employees from dating coworkers when one outranks the other.)

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So, everyone likes compliments unless there's something that makes them not compliments? Your definition of compliments is tautological. Unfortunately, though, not everyone has the same qualifications of what counts as a compliment, so what may be a compliment to you could just be creepy and rude to someone else. This ties in with the discussion of whether or not the boss that ES is "flirting" with is actually flirting or not. I recommend paying attention to how she interacts with other people, as she may act that way with everyone.

It's not really a question of whether or not I think she was flirting. We had a good day, I thought she was feeling it, and I would have made a move if it wasn't for other factors. I had to go home with a lot of pent up emotions and absolutely no way to deal with them. You all and others have convinced me that it's better to wait this out and I think that's best. It's gotten much easier to deal with this a few days later so I foresee no further problems unless she provokes them.

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I think you have made the right call, there are plenty of other "smart, driven and beautiful" women who do not happen to be your boss. If she pushes the issue, she could put herself in a very bad situation. The book/movie Disclosure provides one of the worst case scenarios.

springacres likes this

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So, everyone likes compliments unless there's something that makes them not compliments? Your definition of compliments is tautological. Unfortunately, though, not everyone has the same qualifications of what counts as a compliment, so what may be a compliment to you could just be creepy and rude to someone else. This ties in with the discussion of whether or not the boss that ES is "flirting" with is actually flirting or not. I recommend paying attention to how she interacts with other people, as she may act that way with everyone.

 

No, everyone still likes compliments. And it's pretty obvious what good ones are—delivered with sincerity, and about things that the other person cares about. It's pretty easy to tell what the other person is interested in... just have to listen... and if you like it, say so. What I meant is too much of a good thing gets boring and awkward—don't see how that's a "fancy 10 dollar word". :)

Balladeer likes this

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I've worked with this girl a few times and I think we've really hit it off. She's smart, driven, and beautiful. I've never been so profoundly attracted to someone in my entire life. Problem is that she's dating someone else at work and it might be pretty serious. I don't want to get in between that.

 

So she's dating someone else at work but is leading you on? Doesn't sound like such a nice girl. Don't fish from the company pier, buddy.

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Compliments suck. Never give compliments.

Oh, hi Nalyd! :wub: Your self-esteem is looking especially perilous today.

 

 

 

(Correct response: "No, you're wrong." :mellow: )

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Dude, I am forever alone, but if you ask me, don't waste your life chances...

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It's not really a question of whether or not I think she was flirting. We had a good day, I thought she was feeling it, and I would have made a move if it wasn't for other factors. I had to go home with a lot of pent up emotions and absolutely no way to deal with them. You all and others have convinced me that it's better to wait this out and I think that's best. It's gotten much easier to deal with this a few days later so I foresee no further problems unless she provokes them.

 

Good luck!

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call off

 

i mean its something that needs to be solved in the long term if you're going to keep working there, but if you aren't up to it right now then you'd be better off delaying it. i dunno

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yeah. make a clean break in your mind.

 

If you can't do that... try again. Because being able to set boundaries on the type of relationship you have with your co-workers is a pretty critical skill when you're part of any workplace, whether or not romance is involved.

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Was she engaged the last time you worked together or did the engagement happen since then? If there has been a change in her personal status, hopefully she will be less into flirting this shift which will make it easier for you. If on the other hand, she is acting out because she is engaged, you definitely do not want to be involved with her.

 

To paraphrase Slarty, you have to be able to separate those of your hot co-workers that you can have a relationship with from those hot co-workers that you can't.

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so wait, is work boyfriend guy the one she's engaged to or is that someone else. i want to know just how big and hilarious a can of worms this is

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Lilith, that would definitely make the story even more fun

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